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Tiger's goatee should go a long way towards helping him not have sex

I can't wait for the birth of my first child so I can tell it how much more excited I was about Charlie Sheen's first tweet

If flight attendants are cracking down on assholes, I may as well stay home this August

Due to the troubled economy, I need the money I lent you and mistakenly said not to worry about

Congratulations on getting or shrewdly deciding not to get the new iPhone

I can't wait to watch CBS Sunday Morning when I wake up at noon.

I'd like to elevate my golf game to the point where I can have filthy sex with Vegas cocktail waitresses and get slapped around by Swedish supermodels

I can't believe you're not completely aware of something Obama said or did under 10 minutes ago

There's plenty you can do to help fight AIDS aside from being less of a slut

If the Rapture doesn't happen I'll be more than happy to judge you

I'm glad the fate of the Egyptian people isn't reliant on my attention span

I miss feeling superior to the president

Let's hope Casey Anthony has to endure Michael Bay directing her movie

I support the court's decision that a double-leg amputee doesn't have an unfair advantage in Olympic sprinting

An iPad is the perfect device for walking people through your flimsy rationalizations for buying an iPad

Remember to not base your vote on which presidential candidate's middle name sounds more American

I hope someday a one-word micro-blog post keeps you out of a Middle Eastern prison

Don't forget to take advantage of your semi-racist grandparents' deteriorating mental faculties to fool them into voting for Obama

It's somewhat relieving to have a Republican front-runner we already know is a horrific human being

It's been weeks since Obama took office and my life still isn't perfect

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