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I hope your eco-friendly status symbol doesn't smash into a tree

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With J.D. Salinger dead, you're my favorite person who never leaves the house

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It's time to honor the life of an author who openly despised all of us

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May you be prominent in the will of a Toyota owner

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Let's temporarily ignore the recession to collectively masturbate to a new gadget we can't afford because of the recession

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I can't wait for Obama's speech to not pre-empt Lost

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I can't believe things are bad enough that I'm planning to watch the State of the Union address

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It's refreshing to see a politician publicly humiliate his family for reasons unrelated to his own sex life

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I hope Martha Coakley's history-making collapse gives her a clearer understanding of Curt Schilling's relationship to the Yankees

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A year after inauguration, I wish one of the most memorable moments of the Obama administration wasn't still Aretha Franklin's hat

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It's now clear that psychotic town hall debates and creepy tea parties won't impact health care reform as much as a guy who posed nude for Cosmo

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Let's figure out a way for Wall Street to text their record-breaking bonuses to Haiti

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I find it tragic that Pat Robertson wasn't aborted

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Let's publicly discuss the Leno/Conan fiasco to make it seem like we're ever awake past 11:30 p.m.

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I'd like to elevate my golf game to the point where I can have filthy sex with Vegas cocktail waitresses and get slapped around by Swedish supermodels

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Even though you're invited, I'd like to believe you'd risk feloniously lying to the Secret Service to get into my party

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May your thoughts and prayers this holiday season be with the highest-paid professional athlete on earth whose Swedish model wife may have caught him cheating with a really hot nightclub hostess

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Time's running out to cash in on a made-up memoir, use a medical degree to get a tv show, or jump on a couch to declare your heterosexuality

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Someday I'd like to have a #1 bestseller for failing to become vice-president, quitting as governor, and not aborting a child

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I can't believe it's been 20 years since I didn't understand or give a shit about the falling of the Berlin Wall

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