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I'd probably be devastated by Obama's unfulfilled promises if I could remember anything he promised
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Now would be the perfect time to let me know if you're having an affair with a governor, senator, reality show star, talk show host, or your dad
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Just let me know if there's anything I can do this month to further the cause of healthy breasts
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I'd invite you to Google Wave over a party since I'm pretty sure you can't get too drunk to ruin Google Wave
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I'd be more open to hearing your viewpoints on health care reform if you spell-checked your protest sign
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Even though we'll never be famous musicians, professional athletes, or members of Congress, I'm certain we'll always be noteworthy assholes
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Let's hope students aren't deceived by Obama's message that there's any value to studying hard and staying in school
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I'm concerned the debate over death panels has given my HMO the idea of having death panels
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Socialized medicine scares me a lot less than the people scared of socialized medicine
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It seems the best way to get a phone call from Obama is to throw a perfect game or throw one of his black friends in jail
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I trust government health care because Obama trusts it enough to continue smoking
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I feel violated knowing that a peephole video of Erin Andrews naked may unsuspectingly link to a malicious software virus
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I miss the days when Supreme Court confirmation hearings revolved around pubic hair
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Let's commemorate the 40th anniversary of somehow not being able to top mankind's most incredible scientific achievement
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Due to our deteriorating finances, now would be a great time to tell me if you're Blanket Jackson's mom
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It's a terrifying sign for America that, compared to other recent politicians, Sarah Palin's exit from office was relatively unembarrassing
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Let's stop obsessing on the death of Michael Jackson and start obsessing on the death of Sarah Palin's political career
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Maybe Michael Jackson's children shouldn't be looked after by the same people who looked after Michael Jackson
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I admire Michael Jackson's creativity in having his children artificially constructed out of white people
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Let's hope Michael Jackson left his brothers enough money to prevent a reunion tour
Thanks for heightening my understanding of the Arab-Israeli conflict with your inappropriately serious status updates
Let's spend the next four years trying to figure out what's funny about Obama
We've now learned that a decimated economy, a clusterfucked war, and the worst-run Republican campaign in history is all it takes for America to elect a black guy
Just wanted to express my condolences to McCain supporters like you and Al-Qaeda
I can't wait to find out why we voted for Obama