I'd be worried about a double-dip recession if I didn't lose all my money in the first one
I hope Tiger Woods' post-divorce sex life is as tragically lame as Don Draper's
I'm against building a mosque at Ground Zero unless they're hiring
I haven't heard this much about the N-word and the R-word since the presidential election
I wish I could stick to anything as well as Roger Clemens can stick to a lie
One positive outcome of the salmonella outbreak in eggs is that everyone I hate can afford eggs
Remember breakfast is the most important meal of the day unless it's eggs which can now kill you
I wish we lived in a world where a D-list celebrity and violent clowns could peacefully coexist
You're my biggest hero aside from a flamboyant, deranged, alcoholic flight attendant
If flight attendants are cracking down on assholes, I may as well stay home this August
I believe there's got to be a more qualified hip-hop artist to run Haiti than Wyclef Jean
I'd love to hear what Obama's been up to lately without having to watch The View
Congratulations to Facebook on reaching 500 million users who are really sick of Facebook
You'll know you've hit rock bottom when the only person defending you is Whoopi Goldberg
