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Time's running out to cash in on a made-up memoir, use a medical degree to get a tv show, or jump on a couch to declare your heterosexuality
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Someday I'd like to have a #1 bestseller for failing to become vice-president, quitting as governor, and not aborting a child
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I can't believe it's been 20 years since I didn't understand or give a shit about the falling of the Berlin Wall
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I'd probably be devastated by Obama's unfulfilled promises if I could remember anything he promised
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Now would be the perfect time to let me know if you're having an affair with a governor, senator, reality show star, talk show host, or your dad
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Just let me know if there's anything I can do this month to further the cause of healthy breasts
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I'd invite you to Google Wave over a party since I'm pretty sure you can't get too drunk to ruin Google Wave
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I'd be more open to hearing your viewpoints on health care reform if you spell-checked your protest sign
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Even though we'll never be famous musicians, professional athletes, or members of Congress, I'm certain we'll always be noteworthy assholes
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Let's hope students aren't deceived by Obama's message that there's any value to studying hard and staying in school
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I'm concerned the debate over death panels has given my HMO the idea of having death panels
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Socialized medicine scares me a lot less than the people scared of socialized medicine
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It seems the best way to get a phone call from Obama is to throw a perfect game or throw one of his black friends in jail
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I trust government health care because Obama trusts it enough to continue smoking
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I feel violated knowing that a peephole video of Erin Andrews naked may unsuspectingly link to a malicious software virus
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I miss the days when Supreme Court confirmation hearings revolved around pubic hair
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Let's commemorate the 40th anniversary of somehow not being able to top mankind's most incredible scientific achievement
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Due to our deteriorating finances, now would be a great time to tell me if you're Blanket Jackson's mom
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It's a terrifying sign for America that, compared to other recent politicians, Sarah Palin's exit from office was relatively unembarrassing
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Let's stop obsessing on the death of Michael Jackson and start obsessing on the death of Sarah Palin's political career
I vehemently oppose harming innocent creatures unless they can take down a passenger airplane in which case we should blow their fucking brains out
I'm proud to say I was alive when Bush's approval ratings sank lower than those of the only president ever forced to resign
Let's spend the next four years trying to figure out what's funny about Obama
We've now learned that a decimated economy, a clusterfucked war, and the worst-run Republican campaign in history is all it takes for America to elect a black guy
Just wanted to express my condolences to McCain supporters like you and Al-Qaeda