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    You're the Hugo Chavez of commanding people to listen to your opinions about Hugo Chavez.

    You're the Hugo Chavez of commanding people to listen to your opinions about Hugo Chavez.

  •  

    Deactivating from Facebook is the new Facebook.

    Deactivating from Facebook is the new Facebook.

  •  

    Congratulations to Beyoncé on somehow being the most dishonest person in Washington, D.C. yesterday.

    Congratulations to Beyoncé on somehow being the most dishonest person in Washington, D.C. yesterday.

  •  

    As far as Mormon liars go, Manti Te'o still barely holds a candle to Mitt Romney.

    As far as Mormon liars go, Manti Te'o still barely holds a candle to Mitt Romney.

  •  

    Lance Armstrong is the worst thing to happen to the U.S. Postal Service since ecards.

    Lance Armstrong is the worst thing to happen to the U.S. Postal Service since ecards.

  •  

    This year's flu epidemic may be the first time an actual illness is scarier than reading about it on WebMD.

    This year's flu epidemic may be the first time an actual illness is scarier than reading about it on WebMD.

  •  

    I think it's really smart of Oprah to interview someone who's a bigger disgrace than her network.

    I think it's really smart of Oprah to interview someone who's a bigger disgrace than her network.

  •  

    Good luck to the new CIA director on concealing both national and extramarital affairs.

    Good luck to the new CIA director on concealing both national and extramarital affairs.

  •  

    My excuses for already failing my New Year's resolution are more complicated than the fiscal cliff deal.

    My excuses for already failing my New Year's resolution are more complicated than the fiscal cliff deal.

  •  

    Let's hope being pregnant gives Kim Kardashian the incentive to stay with a man for more than 72 days.

    Let's hope being pregnant gives Kim Kardashian the incentive to stay with a man for more than 72 days.

  •  

    Let's hope the NRA finds a way to protect people from the NRA.

    Let's hope the NRA finds a way to protect people from the NRA.

  •  

    Just a heads up that your panic about a Mayan doomsday sounds insane even to Mayans.

    Just a heads up that your panic about a Mayan doomsday sounds insane even to Mayans.

  •  

    The biggest tragedy of a potential apocalypse is that my DVR is pretty full right now.

    The biggest tragedy of a potential apocalypse is that my DVR is pretty full right now.

  •  

    The Mayan Apocalypse is a welcome distraction from the actual impending apocalypse caused by climate change.

    The Mayan Apocalypse is a welcome distraction from the actual impending apocalypse caused by climate change.

  •  

    The new Twitter archive is the perfect way to document wasting your entire life on Twitter.

    The new Twitter archive is the perfect way to document wasting your entire life on Twitter.

  •  

    I assure you advertisers are even less interested in your Instagram photos than I am.

    I assure you advertisers are even less interested in your Instagram photos than I am.

  •  

    I hope Obama can grow the economy by the same amount he and Romney spent on their campaigns.

    I hope Obama can grow the economy by the same amount he and Romney spent on their campaigns.

  •  

    Way to blow your one civic duty by breaking the law to Instagram your ballot.

    Way to blow your one civic duty by breaking the law to Instagram your ballot.

  •  

    This Election Day, I hope Ohio residents make a better choice than living in Ohio.

    This Election Day, I hope Ohio residents make a better choice than living in Ohio.

  •  

    May your job be shipped to the same country you flee to if Mitt Romney gets elected.

    May your job be shipped to the same country you flee to if Mitt Romney gets elected.

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