•  

    Vote like your lady parts depend on it.

    Vote like your lady parts depend on it.

  •  

    Try doing more for breast cancer awareness this October than pointing out every time the colder weather makes my nipples hard.

    Try doing more for breast cancer awareness this October than pointing out every time the colder weather makes my nipples hard.

  •  

    I wish there was a time limit on people writing Facebook posts during the debate.

    I wish there was a time limit on people writing Facebook posts during the debate.

  •  

    I bet my candidate will be better at not really answering debate questions than your candidate.

    I bet my candidate will be better at not really answering debate questions than your candidate.

  •  

    The only problem I've ever had with my iPhone is you calling it.

    The only problem I've ever had with my iPhone is you calling it.

  •  

    The only way Americans would storm an embassy was if they were giving away new iPhones.

    The only way Americans would storm an embassy was if they were giving away new iPhones.

  •  

    Just once I'd like to cast a vote for a candidate rather than against one.

    Just once I'd like to cast a vote for a candidate rather than against one.

  •  

    Let's applaud Mitt Romney for proving to the Middle East that there are more disastrous videos than Innocence Of Muslims.

    Let's applaud Mitt Romney for proving to the Middle East that there are more disastrous videos than Innocence Of Muslims.

  •  

    If I had a nickel for every political post I saw on Facebook, I'd be a member of Romney's 'middle class.'

    If I had a nickel for every political post I saw on Facebook, I'd be a member of Romney's "middle class."

  •  

    All we can do is pray that Bloomberg hasn't yet noticed our appallingly unhealthy alcohol consumption.

    All we can do is pray that Bloomberg hasn't yet noticed our appallingly unhealthy alcohol consumption.

  •  

    I'm confident the iPhone 5 will help the economy more than either presidential candidate will.

    I'm confident the iPhone 5 will help the economy more than either presidential candidate will.

  •  

    I wish the anniversary of America's worst national tragedy wasn't the only way to get politicians to stop speaking.

    I wish the anniversary of America's worst national tragedy wasn't the only way to get politicians to stop speaking.

  •  

    Let's come together as a nation this 9/11 before getting back to hating each other for the rest of election season.

    Let's come together as a nation this 9/11 before getting back to hating each other for the rest of election season.

  •  

    It was great hearing both political parties map out how they'll prevent each other from getting anything done for another four years.

    It was great hearing both political parties map out how they'll prevent each other from getting anything done for another four years.

  •  

    Bill Clinton gave the most inspiring speech I've ever almost been able to get through.

    Bill Clinton gave the most inspiring speech I've ever almost been able to get through.

  •  

    It's nice to see Bill Clinton giving his full support to the guy who keeps Hillary out of the country.

    It's nice to see Bill Clinton giving his full support to the guy who keeps Hillary out of the country.

  •  

    Best of luck to Democrats on Joe Biden's speech being less embarrassing than someone arguing with a chair.

    Best of luck to Democrats on Joe Biden's speech being less embarrassing than someone arguing with a chair.

  •  

    Sorry you were only able to tweet from three devices during Hurricane Isaac.

    Sorry you were only able to tweet from three devices during Hurricane Isaac.

  •  

    Your relentless hurricane status updates have led countless innocent people to evacuate Facebook.

    Your relentless hurricane status updates have led countless innocent people to evacuate Facebook.

  •  

    Congratulations on a nominee who couldn't possibly respond worse to a New Orleans hurricane than your party's last president.

    Congratulations on a nominee who couldn't possibly respond worse to a New Orleans hurricane than your party's last president.

DON'T MISS THIS