Dad, I love you even more than you love pretending to understand your gadgets
I'm glad all the times I was a terrible child helped make you the great father you are today
Sorry I burst into uncontrollable laughter at something you didn't remotely intend to be funny
Maybe more people would enjoy your ridiculous existence if you were animated
Wearing your running shoes everywhere this spring may increase your odds of actually running
I tell people I do Pilates because no one knows what it is or if it actually exists
Seeing how much you've been exercising lately leads me to believe you're probably single again
I'd like to be very unclear about where this relationship is going
There's no telling where the night may take us because I haven't made any plans yet
Let's find out if my friends and your friends can become more than friends
Let's get a head start on flirting before we see each other tonight
Just saying hi and wondering if that morning-after pill worked
Let's safeguard ourselves against swine flu by only doing it doggie style
I'd be totally up for a golf getaway as long as we promise each other we'll barely play golf
We'd like to throw you a bachelor party for repeatedly not getting engaged
You have a knack for taking pictures that make it look like we had more fun than we did
Just curious if sending you a flattering ecard would make my job here more secure
Having a dangerous pet is a great way to attract women and repel men
I genuinely admire your courage in approaching women I eventually go home with
Sorry in advance for my multitude of verbal gaffes about your pregnancy weight gain
Let's promise to only gather child-rearing suggestions from our least insane friends and relatives
The hurricane isn't coming anywhere near here but I say we evacuate anyway
Happy birthday to one of the few people whose birthday I can remember without a Facebook reminder
Paris Hilton saying her cocaine belonged to a friend reminded me I owe you a call
May you live twice as long as Michael Jackson and be half as creepy
