• refine by:
sort-by: Most Popular | Newest
  •  

    Some things are more important than winning, such as avoiding steroid detection.

    Some things are more important than winning, such as avoiding steroid detection

  •  

    I'm currently in training to be the hottest ex-girlfriend you've ever had.

    I'm currently in training to be the hottest ex-girlfriend you've ever had.

  •  

    I see your CrossFit updates all the time and I think it's just great that you're keeping all those other weirdos away from my happy hour.

    I see your CrossFit updates all the time and I think it's just great that you're keeping all those other weirdos away from my happy hour.

  •  

    If you want to go running with me, you'd better be prepared to walk a lot.

    If you want to go running with me, you'd better be prepared to walk a lot.

  •  

    I don't think it's out of the question that Manny Ramirez was taking fertility drugs to try and get pregnant.

    I don't think it's out of the question that Manny Ramirez was taking fertility drugs to try and get pregnant.

  •  

    I'm interrupting my complete apathy about hockey to make fun of the fact that your team lost.

    I'm interrupting my complete apathy about hockey to make fun of the fact that your team lost.

  •  

    France's surrender on the World Cup soccer pitch reminds me of pretty much every other aspect of French history.

    France's surrender on the World Cup soccer pitch reminds me of pretty much every other aspect of French history.

  •  

    Everything you can do a ten-year-old asian prodigy can do better.

    Everything you can do a ten-year-old asian prodigy can do better.

  •  

    I hope running a marathon heals the psychological wounds you suffered as a fat kid.

    I hope running a marathon heals the psychological wounds you suffered as a fat kid.

  •  

    CrossFit is a great way to spend $300 a month to do calisthenics in a warehouse.

    CrossFit is a great way to spend $300 a month to do calisthenics in a warehouse.

  •  

    I've got you as my number one seed in annoying me about your NCAA bracket.

    I've got you as my number one seed in annoying me about your NCAA bracket.

  •  

    I'm much more comfortable putting my money into football bets than into the stock market.

    I'm much more comfortable putting my money into football bets than into the stock market

  •  

    The Olympics have even more drama, disappointment, and sexual frustration than my last relationship.

    The Olympics have even more drama, disappointment, and sexual frustration than my last relationship.

  •  

    I wish Time Warner Cable would go back to not showing Knicks games.

    I wish Time Warner Cable would go back to not showing Knicks games

  •  

    Let's celebrate the NFL finally determining how to split its money between millionaires and billionaires.

    Let's celebrate the NFL finally determining how to split its money between millionaires and billionaires

  •  

    Half-heartedly watching the World Series is the least I can do for my country.

    Half-heartedly watching the World Series is the least I can do for my country

  •  

    Maybe more people would watch the NBA if basketball games were replaced by Kardashian weddings.

    Maybe more people would watch the NBA if basketball games were replaced by Kardashian weddings

  •  

    Sorry I won your fantasy football league without understanding football.

    Sorry I won your fantasy football league without understanding football

  •  

    I'd like to announce my retirement from trying to spell or pronounce Brett Favre.

    I'd like to announce my retirement from trying to spell or pronounce Brett Favre

  •  

    I'm confident you'll make it in L.A. as an actor after seeing your believable performance as a Kings fan.

    I'm confident you'll make it in L.A. as an actor after seeing your believable performance as a Kings fan.

DON'T MISS THIS