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    Some things are more important than winning, such as avoiding steroid detection.

    Some things are more important than winning, such as avoiding steroid detection

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    For the sake of your emotional well-being and that of your loved ones, I pray your football team excels this year.

    For the sake of your emotional well-being and that of your loved ones, I pray your football team excels this year

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    May your favorite football team's victory not contribute to your fantasy team's loss.

    May your favorite football team's victory not contribute to your fantasy team's loss

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    I hope running a marathon heals the psychological wounds you suffered as a fat kid.

    I hope running a marathon heals the psychological wounds you suffered as a fat kid.

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    If you want to go running with me, you'd better be prepared to walk a lot.

    If you want to go running with me, you'd better be prepared to walk a lot.

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    I see your CrossFit updates all the time and I think it's just great that you're keeping all those other weirdos away from my happy hour.

    I see your CrossFit updates all the time and I think it's just great that you're keeping all those other weirdos away from my happy hour.

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    CrossFit is a great way to spend $300 a month to do calisthenics in a warehouse.

    CrossFit is a great way to spend $300 a month to do calisthenics in a warehouse.

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    France's surrender on the World Cup soccer pitch reminds me of pretty much every other aspect of French history.

    France's surrender on the World Cup soccer pitch reminds me of pretty much every other aspect of French history.

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    I'm interrupting my complete apathy about hockey to make fun of the fact that your team lost.

    I'm interrupting my complete apathy about hockey to make fun of the fact that your team lost.

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    Everything you can do a ten-year-old asian prodigy can do better.

    Everything you can do a ten-year-old asian prodigy can do better.

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    I'm currently in training to be the hottest ex-girlfriend you've ever had.

    I'm currently in training to be the hottest ex-girlfriend you've ever had.

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    I don't think it's out of the question that Manny Ramirez was taking fertility drugs to try and get pregnant.

    I don't think it's out of the question that Manny Ramirez was taking fertility drugs to try and get pregnant.

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    I've researched colleges for my bracket way more than I did for my education.

    I've researched colleges for my bracket way more than I did for my education.

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    I'm much more comfortable putting my money into football bets than into the stock market.

    I'm much more comfortable putting my money into football bets than into the stock market

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    Red Sox fans love the Red Sox precisely as much as I hate Red Sox fans.

    Red Sox fans love the Red Sox precisely as much as I hate Red Sox fans.

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    I wish Time Warner Cable would go back to not showing Knicks games.

    I wish Time Warner Cable would go back to not showing Knicks games

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    I can't wait to see what strategic defense the Jets use against a gigantic rapist.

    I can't wait to see what strategic defense the Jets use against a gigantic rapist

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    Half-heartedly watching the World Series is the least I can do for my country.

    Half-heartedly watching the World Series is the least I can do for my country

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    The only thing more disappointing than winning a silver or bronze medal in the Olympics is every single thing that's ever happened to me.

    The only thing more disappointing than winning a silver or bronze medal in the Olympics is every single thing that's ever happened to me.

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    Sorry I won your fantasy football league without understanding football.

    Sorry I won your fantasy football league without understanding football

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