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    Thank God we averted the disaster of not being able to watch football while the country plummets toward financial ruin.

    Thank God we averted the disaster of not being able to watch football while the country plummets toward financial ruin

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    Congratulations on your NCAA team not being involved in a rape scandal.

    Congratulations on your NCAA team not being involved in a rape scandal

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    Please don't take it personally during the World Series when I ferociously insult your team, your city, and everyone in your extended family.

    Please don't take it personally during the World Series when I ferociously insult your team, your city, and everyone in your extended family

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    You have an uncanny ability to predict NCAA Tournament upsets moments after they happen.

    You have an uncanny ability to predict NCAA Tournament upsets moments after they happen

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    Sorry the best thing that's happened to your baseball team this year is a rainout.

    Sorry the best thing that's happened to your baseball team this year is a rainout

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    The Winter Olympics are a great reminder it's only two years until the real Olympics.

    The Winter Olympics are a great reminder it's only two years until the real Olympics

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    I hope I never have to cut you from the team.

    I hope I never have to cut you from the team

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    Let's drink enough to remove all memories of the 2011 Red Sox.

    Let's drink enough to remove all memories of the 2011 Red Sox

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    I hope your team's All-Star doesn't suffer a season-ending injury during this ridiculous exhibition game.

    I hope your team's All-Star doesn't suffer a season-ending injury during this ridiculous exhibition game

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    FYI, it's my understanding that there's some sort of women's basketball tournament going on.

    FYI, it's my understanding that there's some sort of women's basketball tournament going on

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    Let's develop a rabid allegiance to American Olympic athletes as soon as we learn their names and tragic backstories.

    Let's develop a rabid allegiance to American Olympic athletes as soon as we learn their names and tragic backstories

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    I wish the Olympics committee understood that skiing is only fun to watch when people are bad at it.

    I wish the Olympics committee understood that skiing is only fun to watch when people are bad at it

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    Just a reminder there are many fantasies not involving football.

    Just a reminder there are many fantasies not involving football

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    Congratulations to the Atlanta Braves on having their epic collapse overshadowed by the Red Sox's.

    Congratulations to the Atlanta Braves on having their epic collapse overshadowed by the Red Sox's

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    Let me know if you want to get together for some non-fantasy football.

    Let me know if you want to get together for some non-fantasy football

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    The only thing that excites me more than the World Cup is getting blind drunk at 7:30 a.m. to watch it.

    The only thing that excites me more than the World Cup is getting blind drunk at 7:30 a.m. to watch it

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    I hope Melanie Oudin doesn't disappoint America as much as Obama has.

    I hope Melanie Oudin doesn't disappoint America as much as Obama has

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    Sorry the Yankees couldn't help your team make the playoffs.

    Sorry the Yankees couldn't help your team make the playoffs

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    The Carmelo Anthony trade makes me wish I was a Denver Nuggets fan.

    The Carmelo Anthony trade makes me wish I was a Denver Nuggets fan

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    Best of luck to your World Cup team not suffering permanent, horn-induced hearing damage.

    Best of luck to your World Cup team not suffering permanent, horn-induced hearing damage

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