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I wish Leonardo DiCaprio could implant the idea of permanent retirement into Brett Favre's head

We can finally get back to our normal level of hating A-Rod

I'd like to announce my retirement from trying to spell or pronounce Brett Favre

Hating the Miami Heat has finally given me a reason to watch the NBA

I hope Steinbrenner isn't busting God's balls too much

Let's honor George Steinbrenner by hating the Yankees slightly less today

Congratulations to Spain on being the best in the world at a sport that doesn't involve executing bulls

The Netherlands making it to the World Cup finals makes a case for legalized marijuana and prostitution improving my soccer skills

Watching an hour of LeBron James is the perfect way to hate your career, salary, age, and LeBron James

I heard from a reliable source that you don't give a shit where LeBron ends up

Congratulations on your team almost signing LeBron James

Let's get back to ignoring soccer for the next four years

I know the perfect non-Ghanaian bar to watch the World Cup

Congratulations on setting a record for the longest time sitting on your ass watching a tennis match

I'm so excited about the U.S. World Cup victory I'd almost not strangle someone for celebrating with a vuvuzela

It's heartening to see the U.S. fully embrace soccer by clamoring for the murder of a crappy World Cup referee

The only thing better than watching Kobe Bryant play is watching Kobe Bryant lose

Thank god England's goalie is as inept as its oil company

One reason to bring the World Cup back to America is that our fans don't make the worst instrumental sound in human history

Best of luck to your World Cup team not suffering permanent, horn-induced hearing damage

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