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    I'm currently in training to be the hottest ex-girlfriend you've ever had.

    I'm currently in training to be the hottest ex-girlfriend you've ever had.

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    If you want to go running with me, you'd better be prepared to walk a lot.

    If you want to go running with me, you'd better be prepared to walk a lot.

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    I see your CrossFit updates all the time and I think it's just great that you're keeping all those other weirdos away from my happy hour.

    I see your CrossFit updates all the time and I think it's just great that you're keeping all those other weirdos away from my happy hour.

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    I'm interrupting my complete apathy about hockey to make fun of the fact that your team lost.

    I'm interrupting my complete apathy about hockey to make fun of the fact that your team lost.

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    France's surrender on the World Cup soccer pitch reminds me of pretty much every other aspect of French history.

    France's surrender on the World Cup soccer pitch reminds me of pretty much every other aspect of French history.

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    I don't think it's out of the question that Manny Ramirez was taking fertility drugs to try and get pregnant.

    I don't think it's out of the question that Manny Ramirez was taking fertility drugs to try and get pregnant.

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    I hope running a marathon heals the psychological wounds you suffered as a fat kid.

    I hope running a marathon heals the psychological wounds you suffered as a fat kid.

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    CrossFit is a great way to spend $300 a month to do calisthenics in a warehouse.

    CrossFit is a great way to spend $300 a month to do calisthenics in a warehouse.

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    Everything you can do a ten-year-old asian prodigy can do better.

    Everything you can do a ten-year-old asian prodigy can do better.

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    This year's World Series is an exciting opportunity to catch up with all the shows on your DVR.

    This year's World Series is an exciting opportunity to catch up with all the shows on your DVR

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    I can't wait to see if Ryan Lochte will best Michael Phelps in reckless post-Olympic partying.

    I can't wait to see if Ryan Lochte will best Michael Phelps in reckless post-Olympic partying.

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    I'm much more comfortable putting my money into football bets than into the stock market.

    I'm much more comfortable putting my money into football bets than into the stock market

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    Let's send our condolences to Jeremy Lin on moving to a state where they don't apologize for racist headlines.

    Let's send our condolences to Jeremy Lin on moving to a state where they don't apologize for racist headlines.

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    I wish Time Warner Cable would go back to not showing Knicks games.

    I wish Time Warner Cable would go back to not showing Knicks games

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    I wish Monday was as fast as Usain Bolt.

    I wish Monday was as fast as Usain Bolt.

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    Half-heartedly watching the World Series is the least I can do for my country.

    Half-heartedly watching the World Series is the least I can do for my country

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    I'd watch more MLB, NBA, and NHL if they had more updates on next season's NFL.

    I'd watch more MLB, NBA, and NHL if they had more updates on next season's NFL

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    Sorry I won your fantasy football league without understanding football.

    Sorry I won your fantasy football league without understanding football

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    I hope the Baltimore Ravens treat Ben Roethlisberger like he treats women.

    I hope the Baltimore Ravens treat Ben Roethlisberger like he treats women

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    I'm confident you'll make it in L.A. as an actor after seeing your believable performance as a Kings fan.

    I'm confident you'll make it in L.A. as an actor after seeing your believable performance as a Kings fan.

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