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    This is the perfect day to wear your brand new Yankees hat.

    This is the perfect day to wear your brand new Yankees hat

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    I hope running a marathon heals the psychological wounds you suffered as a fat kid.

    I hope running a marathon heals the psychological wounds you suffered as a fat kid.

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    If you want to go running with me, you'd better be prepared to walk a lot.

    If you want to go running with me, you'd better be prepared to walk a lot.

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    I don't think it's out of the question that Manny Ramirez was taking fertility drugs to try and get pregnant.

    I don't think it's out of the question that Manny Ramirez was taking fertility drugs to try and get pregnant.

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    I see your CrossFit updates all the time and I think it's just great that you're keeping all those other weirdos away from my happy hour.

    I see your CrossFit updates all the time and I think it's just great that you're keeping all those other weirdos away from my happy hour.

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    CrossFit is a great way to spend $300 a month to do calisthenics in a warehouse.

    CrossFit is a great way to spend $300 a month to do calisthenics in a warehouse.

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    France's surrender on the World Cup soccer pitch reminds me of pretty much every other aspect of French history.

    France's surrender on the World Cup soccer pitch reminds me of pretty much every other aspect of French history.

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    I'm interrupting my complete apathy about hockey to make fun of the fact that your team lost.

    I'm interrupting my complete apathy about hockey to make fun of the fact that your team lost.

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    Everything you can do a ten-year-old asian prodigy can do better.

    Everything you can do a ten-year-old asian prodigy can do better.

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    I'm currently in training to be the hottest ex-girlfriend you've ever had.

    I'm currently in training to be the hottest ex-girlfriend you've ever had.

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    Sorry your NCAA pool is the only pool you're not ashamed to be seen in.

    Sorry your NCAA pool is the only pool you're not ashamed to be seen in.

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    I'm much more comfortable putting my money into football bets than into the stock market.

    I'm much more comfortable putting my money into football bets than into the stock market

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    The Olympics have even more drama, disappointment, and sexual frustration than my last relationship.

    The Olympics have even more drama, disappointment, and sexual frustration than my last relationship.

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    I wish Time Warner Cable would go back to not showing Knicks games.

    I wish Time Warner Cable would go back to not showing Knicks games

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    Sorry your team's quarterback has been deemed too repulsive to endorse beef jerky.

    Sorry your team's quarterback has been deemed too repulsive to endorse beef jerky

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    Half-heartedly watching the World Series is the least I can do for my country.

    Half-heartedly watching the World Series is the least I can do for my country

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    Maybe more people would watch the NBA if basketball games were replaced by Kardashian weddings.

    Maybe more people would watch the NBA if basketball games were replaced by Kardashian weddings

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    Sorry I won your fantasy football league without understanding football.

    Sorry I won your fantasy football league without understanding football

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    May the loss of incompetent refs not expose your team's incompetency.

    May the loss of incompetent refs not expose your team's incompetency.

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    I'm confident you'll make it in L.A. as an actor after seeing your believable performance as a Kings fan.

    I'm confident you'll make it in L.A. as an actor after seeing your believable performance as a Kings fan.

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