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We decided it would be best to confiscate anything that allows you to tweet or take photos this St. Patricks Day

May the constant references to leprechauns this time of year not be a painful reminder of how short and possibly gay your boyfriend is

I wish drinking green beer on St. Patrick's Day wasn't the closest you'll come this year to eating a vegetable

I'd appreciate it if you kissed me today even if it's just based on my ethnicity

Sorry our country has no better way to honor your people's heritage than with a green fast food milkshake

It saddens me to think this may be the first St. Patrick's Day I won't be urinating in public with you

I'm excited for the one day of the year when green's meaning shifts from saving the environment to polluting our major organs

I'm respectfully devoting the day after St. Patrick's Day to eating Lucky Charms in my underwear

I'm starting a drunken brawl with the first person today who stereotypes the Irish

My only goal for work on March 18th is to not be wearing the same outfit I went out in on March 17th.

This is the one holiday where our full-blown alcoholism could possibly go undetected

Until I met you, I didn't know Jews could drink like Irishmen

Happy St. Patrick's Day to an Irish relative who came here with a dream of equality and now wants to move back because we elected a black president

Remember not to ruin your St. Patrick's Day by reading or watching anything related to the history of Ireland

It's amateur night for drinkers so I'm going home to quietly intoxicate myself into a decrepit stupor

St. Patrick's Day is the Gilbert Gottfried's tweets of holidays

I hope banning gays from your parade doesn't hinder your celebration of tiny, magical fairies

Show your patriotism this St. Patrick's Day by helping overwhelm emergency rooms enough to force the passage of health care reform

I'm not wearing green today because I have a pinching fetish

Save money this St. Patrick's Day by passing out as fast as humanly possible

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