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I hope your Japanese car doesn't get you pulled over on suspicion of drunk driving this St. Patrick's Day

We decided it would be best to confiscate anything that allows you to tweet or take photos this St. Patricks Day

My alcoholism supersedes my Judaism on St. Patrick's Day

Show your patriotism this St. Patrick's Day by helping overwhelm emergency rooms enough to force the passage of health care reform

I'm excited for the one day of the year when green's meaning shifts from saving the environment to polluting our major organs

It's unfortunate that your inevitable attempt at an Irish jig this St. Patrick's Day will likely bring our friendship to an end

Happy St. Patrick's Day to an Irish relative who came here with a dream of equality and now wants to move back because we elected a black president

It saddens me to think this may be the first St. Patrick's Day I won't be urinating in public with you

This St. Patrick's Day, let's discuss whether we'd rather sleep with Colin Farrell, Gabriel Byrne, or Bono before making out with someone who looks like Shane MacGowan

Until I met you, I didn't know Jews could drink like Irishmen

Save money this St. Patrick's Day by passing out as fast as humanly possible

May the constant references to leprechauns this time of year not be a painful reminder of how short and possibly gay your boyfriend is

If we have drunken sex this St. Patrick's Day, please know I'll be pretending you're the guy from Once

I hope banning gays from your parade doesn't hinder your celebration of tiny, magical fairies

Let's worship someone who possibly banished non-existent snakes from Ireland

I'm starting a drunken brawl with the first person today who stereotypes the Irish

Not wearing green today simply means you hate Christ or possibly wearing green

I find few things more scenic than 40 tons of green dye dumped in a river of raw sewage

I refuse to be told what color to wear unless it's by pretty much any fashion magazine

There's no gentle way to tell you that you're the designated driver on St. Patrick's Day

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