Until I met you, I didn't know Jews could drink like Irishmen
Save money this St. Patrick's Day by passing out as fast as humanly possible
I hope banning gays from your parade doesn't hinder your celebration of tiny, magical fairies
Let's worship someone who possibly banished non-existent snakes from Ireland
I'm starting a drunken brawl with the first person today who stereotypes the Irish
Not wearing green today simply means you hate Christ or possibly wearing green
I find few things more scenic than 40 tons of green dye dumped in a river of raw sewage
I refuse to be told what color to wear unless it's by pretty much any fashion magazine
There's no gentle way to tell you that you're the designated driver on St. Patrick's Day
I'm not wearing green today because I have a pinching fetish
I'm respectfully devoting the day after St. Patrick's Day to eating Lucky Charms in my underwear
Let's make this a St. Patrick's Day to remember before we black out
This is the one holiday where our full-blown alcoholism could possibly go undetected
Let's worship someone who possibly banished non-existent snakes from Ireland
I hope banning gays from your parade doesn't hinder your celebration of tiny, magical fairies
If we have drunken sex this St. Patrick's Day, please know I'll be pretending you're the guy from Once
May the constant references to leprechauns this time of year not be a painful reminder of how short and possibly gay your boyfriend is