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    You're invited to follow the Super Bowl on Twitter from my living room this year.

    You're invited to follow the Super Bowl on Twitter from my living room this year.

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    The only way I'll conceivably care about this year's Super Bowl is if I place a dangerously large wager.

    The only way I'll conceivably care about this year's Super Bowl is if I place a dangerously large wager

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    Let's barely watch the Super Bowl together.

    Let's barely watch the Super Bowl together

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    You're invited to ask me during my Super Bowl party which teams are playing.

    You're invited to ask me during my Super Bowl party which teams are playing.

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    It's sad to think of all the football players who'll one day be brain damaged enough to laugh at Super Bowl commercials.

    It's sad to think of all the football players who'll one day be brain damaged enough to laugh at Super Bowl commercials.

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    Super Bowl parties are a great opportunity to enjoy a wholesome event with friends and perhaps meet a man who prefers sex with women.

    Super Bowl parties are a great opportunity to enjoy a wholesome event with friends and perhaps meet a man who prefers sex with women

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    You're invited to watch the Super Bowl with me on your television.

    You're invited to watch the Super Bowl with me on your television

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    I hope watching the Super Bowl doesn't remind you of your team not being in the Super Bowl.

    I hope watching the Super Bowl doesn't remind you of your team not being in the Super Bowl.

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    You're invited to have your dietary restrictions completely ignored at my Super Bowl party.

    You're invited to have your dietary restrictions completely ignored at my Super Bowl party.

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    Let's lose more brain cells than an NFL player this Super Bowl weekend.

    Let's lose more brain cells than an NFL player this Super Bowl weekend.

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    Let's overanalyze piss-poor ads sold at disturbingly excessive rates.

    Let's overanalyze piss-poor ads sold at disturbingly excessive rates

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    I hope the player who makes the winning catch in this year's Super Bowl doesn't unintentionally shoot himself in the thigh next season.

    I hope the player who makes the winning catch in this year's Super Bowl doesn't unintentionally shoot himself in the thigh next season

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    Your team not making it to the Super Bowl is the perfect way to stay focused on binge drinking during the Super Bowl.

    Your team not making it to the Super Bowl is the perfect way to stay focused on binge drinking during the Super Bowl

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    I'm excited to watch the first meaningful football game to be played in the New York area this season.

    I'm excited to watch the first meaningful football game to be played in the New York area this season.

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    I'd be much more into your Super Bowl party if it didn't involve watching the Super Bowl.

    I'd be much more into your Super Bowl party if it didn't involve watching the Super Bowl

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    Please attend a thinly-veiled ploy to show off my TV.

    Please attend a thinly-veiled ploy to show off my TV

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    Congratulations on your team coming in 2nd.

    Congratulations on your team coming in 2nd

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    You're invited to watch the Super Bowl at my place so I'm not the one who has to schlep home drunk on a Sunday night in February.

    You're invited to watch the Super Bowl at my place so I'm not the one who has to schlep home drunk on a Sunday night in February

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    May your enjoyment of the Super Bowl not be affected by the unspeakable horror of football season being over.

    May your enjoyment of the Super Bowl not be affected by the unspeakable horror of football season being over.

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    My Super Bowl party is the closest I'll ever come to cooking you a meal.

    My Super Bowl party is the closest I'll ever come to cooking you a meal

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