• May. 15th, 2012

    I want you to know that whatever problems you're having, I'm here to read about it on Facebook.

    I want you to know that whatever problems you're having, I'm here to read about it on Facebook.

  • May. 11th, 2012

    Sorry Hustler is the only magazine where your mom would be featured getting her boobs sucked.

    Sorry Hustler is the only magazine where your mom would be featured getting her boobs sucked.

  • May. 9th, 2012

    Sorry you live in a state that considers gay marriage more harmful than tobacco.

    Sorry you live in a state that considers gay marriage more harmful than tobacco.

  • Apr. 23rd, 2012

    Sorry there's no Instagram filter to make you look less drunk in photos.

    Sorry there's no Instagram filter to make you look less drunk in photos.

  • Apr. 18th, 2012

    I feel sorry for myself having to hear about how sorry you feel for yourself.

    I feel sorry for myself having to hear about how sorry you feel for yourself.

  • Apr. 18th, 2012

    Dick Clark still looks better than you.

    Dick Clark still looks better than you.

  • Apr. 12th, 2012

    Sorry you think Pinterest is just a bunch of women posting and laughing at naked pictures of you.

    Sorry you think Pinterest is just a bunch of women posting and laughing at naked pictures of you.

  • Apr. 11th, 2012

    Sorry you're faced with six months of coming up with funny tweets about Mitt Romney.

    Sorry you're faced with six months of coming up with funny tweets about Mitt Romney.

  • Mar. 30th, 2012

    Sorry you're too old to play your age as a Mega Millions number.

    Sorry you're too old to play your age as a Mega Millions number.

  • Mar. 27th, 2012

    Sorry the Angry Birds have traveled to outer space while you're still inside playing Angry Birds.

    Sorry the Angry Birds have traveled to outer space while you're still inside playing Angry Birds.

  • Mar. 22nd, 2012

    Sorry Tim Tebow will just be another good-looking rich guy in New York City who won't have sex with you.

    Sorry Tim Tebow will just be another good-looking rich guy in New York City who won't have sex with you.

  • Mar. 19th, 2012

    Sorry that conservative legislators think about your birth control more than the guys you sleep with do.

    Sorry that conservative legislators think about your birth control more than the guys you sleep with do.

  • Mar. 9th, 2012

    Sorry your video of farting kittens didn't go as viral as one about a murderous African warlord.

    Sorry your video of farting kittens didn't go as viral as one about a murderous African warlord.

  • Jan. 25th, 2012

    Sorry you'll never make as much as Mitt Romney pays in taxes.

    Sorry you'll never make as much as Mitt Romney pays in taxes.

  • Jan. 9th, 2012

    Sorry you have such a weird name and no celebrity parents to blame it on.

    Sorry you have such a weird name and no celebrity parents to blame it on.

  • Nov. 23rd, 2011

    Sorry there's no Black Friday deal for the hospital visit you'll need after Black Friday.

    Sorry there's no Black Friday deal for the hospital visit you'll need after Black Friday.

  • Nov. 16th, 2011

    I could care less than the guy who shamelessly leaves a crowded mens room without washing his hands.

    I could care less than the guy who shamelessly leaves a crowded mens room without washing his hands.

  • Nov. 16th, 2011

    Sorry a magazine you never read gave a fake award to the wrong handsome movie star.

    Sorry a magazine you never read gave a fake award to the wrong handsome movie star.

  • Nov. 3rd, 2011

    I'm sorry I'm forcing you to participate in No Shave Novembeard in order to fulfill my own sexual fantasies.

    I'm sorry I'm forcing you to participate in No Shave Novembeard in order to fulfill my own sexual fantasies.

  • Nov. 3rd, 2011

    Sorry that telling me about your great new iPhone drained its entire battery.

    Sorry that telling me about your great new iPhone drained its entire battery.

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