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    Sorry even your gay friends will now be getting married before you.

    Sorry even your gay friends will now be getting married before you

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    I'm always available to discuss your problems via text.

    I'm always available to discuss your problems via text

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    I'd like to offer moral support but I have questionable morals.

    I'd like to offer moral support but I have questionable morals

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    Sorry, without any irony.

    Sorry, without any irony

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    If you need to talk, I will pretend to listen.

    If you need to talk, I will pretend to listen

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    This is going to hurt me less than it hurts you.

    This is going to hurt me less than it hurts you

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    I just realized we're too old to be the young guys cougars would consider for filthy intergenerational sex.

    I just realized we're too old to be the young guys cougars would consider for filthy intergenerational sex

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    Feel better so I can guiltlessly make fun of you again.

    Feel better so I can guiltlessly make fun of you again

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    Sorry you're faced with the unspeakable trauma of having to choose between a BlackBerry and an iPhone.

    Sorry you're faced with the unspeakable trauma of having to choose between a BlackBerry and an iPhone

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    Sorry there's no Black Friday deal for the hospital visit you'll need after Black Friday.

    Sorry there's no Black Friday deal for the hospital visit you'll need after Black Friday

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    Sorry your car is a piece of shit.

    Sorry your car is a piece of shit

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    Sorry your family likes me better than you.

    Sorry your family likes me better than you

  •  

    A wardrobe upgrade is a difficult time in any man's life.

    A wardrobe upgrade is a difficult time in any man's life

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    Let me know if you want to have a serious talk peppered with humorous movie quotes.

    Let me know if you want to have a serious talk peppered with humorous movie quotes

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    Sorry a magazine you never read gave a fake award to the wrong handsome movie star.

    Sorry a magazine you never read gave a fake award to the wrong handsome movie star

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    Sorry your career choice required changing your name to something not Jewish-sounding.

    Sorry your career choice required changing your name to something not Jewish-sounding

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    Sorry those year-old bottles of Newman's Own are now a painful reminder of more than just the fact that your fat ass never eats salad.

    Sorry those year-old bottles of Newman's Own are now a painful reminder of more than just the fact that your fat ass never eats salad

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    I feel somewhat responsible for how you're feeling.

    I feel somewhat responsible for how you're feeling

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    It's tragic that you had to deal with that many idiots at once.

    It's tragic that you had to deal with that many idiots at once

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    Your loved one is in affordable hands.

    Your loved one is in affordable hands

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