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Sympathy / Last Updated Monday, September 7th, 2009 / Displaying 1- 20 of 49

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Sorry your car isn't quite shitty enough for you to benefit from the Cash for Clunkers plan

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Sorry swine flu is visiting more countries this summer than you

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Sorry your MBA is now worth as much as my MFA

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Sorry your family likes me better than you

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Sorry the joy of finding your soul mate will forever be tarnished by the fact that you met online

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Sorry that guy who didn't want to have sex with you didn't turn out to be gay

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Sorry those year-old bottles of Newman's Own are now a painful reminder of more than just the fact that your fat ass never eats salad

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Sorry you immigrated to America during the decline of our empire

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Sorry your decision to quietly change your relationship status was broadcast to every single one of your Facebook friends

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Sorry a complete stranger is privy to your yeast infection

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I just realized we're too old to be the young guys cougars would consider for filthy intergenerational sex

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Sorry you had to disguise your masturbation injury as sports-related

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Sorry your compelling company name is impossible to spell, pronounce, or remember

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Sorry your car is a piece of shit

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Sorry your career choice required changing your name to something not Jewish-sounding

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Sorry you can't vote because of your felony conviction

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Sorry a self-help book has made you temporarily insane

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Sorry I wasn't there to see you get fired

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Sorry you've gone batshit bonkers

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My condolences on losing your balls

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