


I can't believe you'd sleep with someone like me without making me wear a condom

Sorry your car isn't quite shitty enough for you to benefit from the Cash for Clunkers plan

Sorry swine flu is visiting more countries this summer than you

Sorry the joy of finding your soul mate will forever be tarnished by the fact that you met online

Sorry that guy who didn't want to have sex with you didn't turn out to be gay

Sorry you immigrated to America during the decline of our empire

Sorry you had to disguise your masturbation injury as sports-related

Sorry your compelling company name is impossible to spell, pronounce, or remember

Sorry your career choice required changing your name to something not Jewish-sounding