•  

    Sorry you'll never make as much as Mitt Romney pays in taxes.

    Sorry you'll never make as much as Mitt Romney pays in taxes.

  •  

    Sorry you have such a weird name and no celebrity parents to blame it on.

    Sorry you have such a weird name and no celebrity parents to blame it on

  •  

    Sorry there's no Black Friday deal for the hospital visit you'll need after Black Friday.

    Sorry there's no Black Friday deal for the hospital visit you'll need after Black Friday

  •  

    I could care less than the guy who shamelessly leaves a crowded mens room without washing his hands.

    I could care less than the guy who shamelessly leaves a crowded mens room without washing his hands.

  •  

    Sorry a magazine you never read gave a fake award to the wrong handsome movie star.

    Sorry a magazine you never read gave a fake award to the wrong handsome movie star

  •  

    I'm sorry I'm forcing you to participate in No Shave Novembeard in order to fulfill my own sexual fantasies.

    I'm sorry I'm forcing you to participate in No Shave Novembeard in order to fulfill my own sexual fantasies.

  •  

    Sorry that telling me about your great new iPhone drained its entire battery.

    Sorry that telling me about your great new iPhone drained its entire battery

  •  

    I'm sorry that there are now 7 billion people in the world and you are still single.

    I'm sorry that there are now 7 billion people in the world and you are still single.

  •  

    Sorry a 72-day marriage is still longer than your most successful relationship.

    Sorry a 72-day marriage is still longer than your most successful relationship

  •  

    Sorry the only successful female relationship in your life is with your iPhone's digital assistant.

    Sorry the only successful female relationship in your life is with your iPhone's digital assistant

  •  

    Sorry no one cares that the creator of your electronic device is still alive.

    Sorry no one cares that the creator of your electronic device is still alive

  •  

    I'm sorry that Chaz Bono can grow a better beard than you.

    I'm sorry that Chaz Bono can grow a better beard than you.

  •  

    Glad the Facebook redesign helped distract you from everything actually wrong with your life.

    Glad the Facebook redesign helped distract you from everything actually wrong with your life

  •  

    Sorry you've reached an age where getting a tan is more life-threatening than awesome.

    Sorry you've reached an age where getting a tan is more life-threatening than awesome

  •  

    Sorry Bin Laden died in a mansion and you still have roommates.

    Sorry Bin Laden died in a mansion and you still have roommates

  •  

    Sorry you can't blame steroids for your genitalia's size and dysfunction.

    Sorry you can't blame steroids for your genitalia's size and dysfunction

  •  

    At least when you die you won't have to read people's tweets about your death.

    At least when you die you won't have to read people's tweets about your death

  •  

    I'm worried you're going to OD on Charlie Sheen.

    I'm worried you're going to OD on Charlie Sheen

  •  

    There are no winners when broccoli farts are involved.

    There are no winners when broccoli farts are involved.

  •  

    Sorry you're too tired from shoveling to have the sex I promised we'd have if you shoveled.

    Sorry you're too tired from shoveling to have the sex I promised we'd have if you shoveled.

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