•  

    Sorry rain is the only thing that got you wet this week.

    Sorry rain is the only thing that got you wet this week.

  •  

    Sorry that choosing a new Pope is as pro-choice as your religion gets.

    Sorry that choosing a new Pope is as pro-choice as your religion gets.

  •  

    Sorry you haven't had any time for employment due to your hectic vacation schedule.

    Sorry you haven't had any time for employment due to your hectic vacation schedule.

  •  

    My sympathy goes out to you in this turbulent time of Facebook redesign.

    My sympathy goes out to you in this turbulent time of Facebook redesign.

  •  

    Sorry not being allowed to work from home has forced you to adjust your masturbation schedule.

    Sorry not being allowed to work from home has forced you to adjust your masturbation schedule.

  •  

    Sorry it took 34 extra minutes to watch your team lose the Super Bowl.

    Sorry it took 34 extra minutes to watch your team lose the Super Bowl.

  •  

    I feel bad for the flu if it has to spend time in my body.

    I feel bad for the flu if it has to spend time in my body.

  •  

    Sorry you've never sharted anywhere important.

    Sorry you've never sharted anywhere important.

  •  

    My early condolences on not winning the lottery later tonight.

    My early condolences on not winning the lottery later tonight.

  •  

    I hope your Black Friday injuries aren't so severe that you can't click a mouse on Cyber Monday.

    I hope your Black Friday injuries aren't so severe that you can't click a mouse on Cyber Monday.

  •  

    Sorry the freakish weather knocked out the power needed to run your blog about climate change being a myth.

    Sorry the freakish weather knocked out the power needed to run your blog about climate change being a myth.

  •  

    I hope the treatments for your depression over Romney's loss will be covered under Obamacare.

    I hope the treatments for your depression over Romney's loss will be covered under Obamacare.

  •  

    My thoughts and prayers go out today to millions of overpaid white guys.

    My thoughts and prayers go out today to millions of overpaid white guys.

  •  

    Sorry the guy you spent so much time pretending to like lost the election.

    Sorry the guy you spent so much time pretending to like lost the election.

  •  

    Sorry that your life is everything you thought it would be.

    Sorry that your life is everything you thought it would be.

  •  

    I would have bet you still let your mother dress you, but even your mother has better dress sense than that.

    I would have bet you still let your mother dress you, but even your mother has better dress sense than that.

  •  

    Sorry the only future generations you care about are iPhones.

    Sorry the only future generations you care about are iPhones.

  •  

    Sorry you think it's biased that your political party is so easy to make fun of.

    Sorry you think it's biased that your political party is so easy to make fun of.

  •  

    Sorry your seemingly original joke was already made 200 times on Twitter.

    Sorry your seemingly original joke was already made 200 times on Twitter.

  •  

    Sorry you're fatter, paler, lonelier, and more Internet-addicted than anyone at Comic-Con.

    Sorry you're fatter, paler, lonelier, and more Internet-addicted than anyone at Comic-Con.

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