


Thanks for keeping your germ-infested hands away from my shit

Thanks for always waiting until the end of my presentations to tell me I'm full of shit

Thanks for understanding it was just a formality when I asked if you needed anything

Thanks for being the cautionary tale to my children about the pitfalls of drugs and alcohol

Thanks for covering for me the day I was home sick and the subsequent days I was home dicking around

Thanks for actually having a funny story to tell me when you say you have a funny story to tell me

Thanks for tagging me in a Facebook photo that I immediately untagged because I didn't look amazing

Thanks for showing you gave the matter some thought by starting your email with "hmm"

Thanks for the begrudging, obligatory fellatio while you were on your period

Thanks for walking us through your long-term plans to methodically overcharge the hell out of us

Thanks for never telling me about experimenting with dudes if you ever did