Thanks for keeping your germ-infested hands away from my shit
Thanks for always waiting until the end of my presentations to tell me I'm full of shit
Thanks for understanding it was just a formality when I asked if you needed anything
Thanks for being the cautionary tale to my children about the pitfalls of drugs and alcohol
Thanks for covering for me the day I was home sick and the subsequent days I was home dicking around
Thanks for actually having a funny story to tell me when you say you have a funny story to tell me
Thanks for tagging me in a Facebook photo that I immediately untagged because I didn't look amazing
Thanks for showing you gave the matter some thought by starting your email with "hmm"
Thanks for the begrudging, obligatory fellatio while you were on your period
Thanks for walking us through your long-term plans to methodically overcharge the hell out of us
Thanks for never telling me about experimenting with dudes if you ever did
Thanks for receiving or entertaining guests in a social or official capacity
Thanks for responding so quickly and desperately
Thanks for agreeing to incinerate my corpse in an industrial furnace
Thanks for thinking of me after eight shots, nine beers, and a half-gram of coke
Thanks for informing me that my mailbox is over its size limit