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    I'm excited this Thanksgiving to eat like the 1% and drink like the 99%.

    I'm excited this Thanksgiving to eat like the 1% and drink like the 99%

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    Thanksgiving dinner is my favorite meal of the year to regurgitate.

    Thanksgiving dinner is my favorite meal of the year to regurgitate

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    If you haven't been invited to an awful family Thanksgiving get-together of your own you can come to mine.

    If you haven't been invited to an awful family Thanksgiving get-together of your own you can come to mine.

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    It's great seeing you a few times a year.

    It's great seeing you a few times a year

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    If you don't have an excuse prepared you're welcome to join our family for Thanksgiving.

    If you don't have an excuse prepared you're welcome to join our family for Thanksgiving.

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    I'm the Daniel Day-Lewis of convincingly acting at Thanksgiving like I'm happy about being single.

    I'm the Daniel Day-Lewis of convincingly acting at Thanksgiving like I'm happy about being single.

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    I can't wait to nap through 85% of my visit home.

    I can't wait to nap through 85% of my visit home

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    I'm grateful there will be someone else at Thanksgiving dinner able to intelligently discuss the latest issue of US Weekly.

    I'm grateful there will be someone else at Thanksgiving dinner able to intelligently discuss the latest issue of US Weekly

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    Let's eat enough to feed a third-world family for a month.

    Let's eat enough to feed a third-world family for a month

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    Your Tofurkey has brought shame to this family.

    Your Tofurkey has brought shame to this family

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    Obamacare has done a remarkable job at providing my racist relatives with their best Thanksgiving in decades.

    Obamacare has done a remarkable job at providing my racist relatives with their best Thanksgiving in decades.

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    Thanksgiving is the perfect mix of cultural harmony and incoherently racist grandparents.

    Thanksgiving is the perfect mix of cultural harmony and incoherently racist grandparents

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    I want to take you home for Thanksgiving to meet the people who made me turn out this way.

    I want to take you home for Thanksgiving to meet the people who made me turn out this way.

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    Good luck masking your eating disorder this Thanksgiving.

    Good luck masking your eating disorder this Thanksgiving.

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    Thanksgiving is the perfect time to introduce the person you've been dating to the people they'd eventually have to endure.

    Thanksgiving is the perfect time to introduce the person you've been dating to the people they'd eventually have to endure.

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    Endless hours watching the Food Network has fully prepared me to sit around watching you cook this Thanksgiving.

    Endless hours watching the Food Network has fully prepared me to sit around watching you cook this Thanksgiving.

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    The rancor and pettiness of this election campaign has better prepared me to go home for Thanksgiving.

    The rancor and pettiness of this election campaign has better prepared me to go home for Thanksgiving

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    Let's reconnect over Thanksgiving to awkwardly discuss why we only reconnect over Thanksgiving.

    Let's reconnect over Thanksgiving to awkwardly discuss why we only reconnect over Thanksgiving

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    May your Thanksgiving dinner provide as much to eat as Rob Ford's wife's genitalia.

    May your Thanksgiving dinner provide as much to eat as Rob Ford's wife's genitalia.

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    I have no Thanksgiving plans.

    I have no Thanksgiving plans

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