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    Happy Thanksgiving to someone as ungrateful as me.

    Happy Thanksgiving to someone as ungrateful as me

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    I've started collating topics for dinner conversation.

    I've started collating topics for dinner conversation

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    I'm thankful for holidays that don't force me to reflect on being thankful.

    I'm thankful for holidays that don't force me to reflect on being thankful

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    My parents will be here soon.

    My parents will be here soon

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    Let's get together before Thanksgiving so I can enjoy the slimmer and saner version of you.

    Let's get together before Thanksgiving so I can enjoy the slimmer and saner version of you

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    Hell, I love every one of you wacky bastards.

    Hell, I love every one of you wacky bastards

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    Sorry this Thanksgiving you could really use those canned goods you donated last Thanksgiving.

    Sorry this Thanksgiving you could really use those canned goods you donated last Thanksgiving

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    If you don't like my cooking, I'll stick my head in the goddamn oven.

    If you don't like my cooking, I'll stick my head in the goddamn oven

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    Happy Thanksgiving to someone obsessively checking email on Thanksgiving.

    Happy Thanksgiving to someone obsessively checking email on Thanksgiving

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    Let's eat enough to feed a third-world family for a month.

    Let's eat enough to feed a third-world family for a month

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    Congratulations to the Detroit Lions this Thanksgiving on no longer being as sad as Detroit.

    Congratulations to the Detroit Lions this Thanksgiving on no longer being as sad as Detroit

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    The rancor and pettiness of this election campaign has better prepared me to go home for Thanksgiving.

    The rancor and pettiness of this election campaign has better prepared me to go home for Thanksgiving

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    If you didn't want to sit at the kids' table then you shouldn't have seen the new Twilight movie.

    If you didn't want to sit at the kids' table then you shouldn't have seen the new Twilight movie

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    Be thankful that only one-third of your family has been institutionalized.

    Be thankful that only one-third of your family has been institutionalized

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    My belt is already unbuckled.

    My belt is already unbuckled

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    I'm thankful for a holiday that doesn't require atonement or starvation.

    I'm thankful for a holiday that doesn't require atonement or starvation

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    I can't wait to nap through 85% of my visit home.

    I can't wait to nap through 85% of my visit home

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    In advance of our annual awkward Thanksgiving conversation, thought I'd let you know up front that yes, I'm still single, and no, I still havent gotten a real job.

    In advance of our annual awkward Thanksgiving conversation, thought I'd let you know up front that yes, I'm still single, and no, I still havent gotten a real job

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    Let's give thanks neither of us is the person at the Thanksgiving table who went to Penn State.

    Let's give thanks neither of us is the person at the Thanksgiving table who went to Penn State

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    Now that I've lost my job, I imagine carving the turkey will be the only time this year I'll feel like a man.

    Now that I've lost my job, I imagine carving the turkey will be the only time this year I'll feel like a man

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