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I'm thankful that we can soon get back to being ungrateful, disillusioned, and cynical.

May your Thanksgiving travels be miserable enough to make spending time with family seem comparatively tolerable

I'm thankful that I only have to fake working for two days this week.

If you didn't want to sit at the kids' table then you shouldn't have seen the new Twilight movie

May none of your Fox News-watching relatives try to season the Thanksgiving turkey with pepper spray

May your Thanksgiving dinner conversation be more coherent than a Republican presidential debate

I'm thankful for holidays that don't force me to reflect on being thankful

I'm glad Congress deemed pizza a vegetable in time for me to bring a vegetable dish this Thanksgiving

Congratulations to the Detroit Lions this Thanksgiving on no longer being as sad as Detroit

Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas except you don't get any presents for holding in all your familial rage

May the effects of tryptophan spare you from having to hear conversations about the effects of tryptophan

At least our Thanksgiving dinner will be less awkward than the Sanduskys'.

Let's get together before Thanksgiving so I can enjoy the slimmer and saner version of you

I'm excited this Thanksgiving to eat like the 1% and drink like the 99%

Let's give thanks neither of us is the person at the Thanksgiving table who went to Penn State

Sorry this Thanksgiving you could really use those canned goods you donated last Thanksgiving

I hope seeing your high school friends over Thanksgiving doesn't bring back memories of high school

I'm grateful there will be someone else at Thanksgiving dinner able to intelligently discuss the latest issue of US Weekly

Happy Thanksgiving to someone I'd have no problem stomping to death on Black Friday.

Endless hours watching the Food Network has fully prepared me to sit around watching you cook this Thanksgiving.

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