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    If you don't have an excuse prepared you're welcome to join our family for Thanksgiving.

    If you don't have an excuse prepared you're welcome to join our family for Thanksgiving.

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    If you haven't been invited to an awful family Thanksgiving get-together of your own you can come to mine.

    If you haven't been invited to an awful family Thanksgiving get-together of your own you can come to mine.

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    Jonathan Martin wouldn't last five minutes at my family's Thanksgiving dinner.

    Jonathan Martin wouldn't last five minutes at my family's Thanksgiving dinner.

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    Happy Native American Genocide Day.

    Happy Native American Genocide Day

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    Here's to the tryptophan kicking in before you're able to clog Facebook with pictures of turkey.

    Here's to the tryptophan kicking in before you're able to clog Facebook with pictures of turkey.

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    Thanks for posting to Facebook precisely when you'll be out of town for Thanksgiving so I can rob your house.

    Thanks for posting to Facebook precisely when you'll be out of town for Thanksgiving so I can rob your house.

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    Let's regret our eating decisions this Thanksgiving as much as Native Americans regret trusting white people.

    Let's regret our eating decisions this Thanksgiving as much as Native Americans regret trusting white people.

  •  

    Thanksgiving makes me grateful Thanksgiving is almost over.

    Thanksgiving makes me grateful Thanksgiving is almost over.

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    I'm the Daniel Day-Lewis of convincingly acting at Thanksgiving like I'm happy about being single.

    I'm the Daniel Day-Lewis of convincingly acting at Thanksgiving like I'm happy about being single.

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    Sorry shoppers on Black Friday will block and tackle better than your football team on Thanksgiving.

    Sorry shoppers on Black Friday will block and tackle better than your football team on Thanksgiving.

  •  

    I'm thankful for every day I don't have to watch you eat.

    I'm thankful for every day I don't have to watch you eat.

  •  

    Good luck eating every single feeling you have this Thanksgiving.

    Good luck eating every single feeling you have this Thanksgiving.

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    May your peacemaking efforts at Thanksgiving dinner have a better chance than those in the Middle East.

    May your peacemaking efforts at Thanksgiving dinner have a better chance than those in the Middle East.

  •  

    Scrolling through racist YouTube comments is great practice for having to hear your relatives speak at Thanksgiving dinner.

    Scrolling through racist YouTube comments is great practice for having to hear your relatives speak at Thanksgiving dinner.

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    Make sure the clothes you buy on Black Friday take into account how fat you got on Thanksgiving.

    Make sure the clothes you buy on Black Friday take into account how fat you got on Thanksgiving.

  •  

    Let's unite as a nation this Thanksgiving to relentlessly make fun of secessionists.

    Let's unite as a nation this Thanksgiving to relentlessly make fun of secessionists.

  •  

    I'm already eating at a Thanksgiving level.

    I'm already eating at a Thanksgiving level.

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    I hope sharing Thanksgiving dinner isn't too socialist for your Republican relatives.

    I hope sharing Thanksgiving dinner isn't too socialist for your Republican relatives.

  •  

    If you come to Thanksgiving dinner at my house I guarantee your severe alcohol dependency will never be noticed.

    If you come to Thanksgiving dinner at my house I guarantee your severe alcohol dependency will never be noticed.

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    Your smug vegan indignity won't bring this delicious turkey back to life.

    Your smug vegan indignity won't bring this delicious turkey back to life.

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