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    If I'm going to have my hands in a body cavity this Thanksgiving, I'd rather it be yours.

    If I'm going to have my hands in a body cavity this Thanksgiving, I'd rather it be yours.

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    I'm thankful for the distance we live from your annoying family.

    I'm thankful for the distance we live from your annoying family.

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    I'm embracing the challenge of pretending this Thanksgiving's appallingly mismatched football games are still riveting enough to ignore my relatives.

    I'm embracing the challenge of pretending this Thanksgiving's appallingly mismatched football games are still riveting enough to ignore my relatives

  •  

    Let's reconnect over Thanksgiving to awkwardly discuss why we only reconnect over Thanksgiving.

    Let's reconnect over Thanksgiving to awkwardly discuss why we only reconnect over Thanksgiving

  •  

    Thanksgiving is an annual tradition of observing how people used to communicate before the Internet.

    Thanksgiving is an annual tradition of observing how people used to communicate before the Internet

  •  

    Happy Thanksgiving to someone as ungrateful as me.

    Happy Thanksgiving to someone as ungrateful as me

  •  

    I can't wait for this year's Thanksgiving because I'll finally not be the only child begging for money.

    I can't wait for this year's Thanksgiving because I'll finally not be the only child begging for money

  •  

    Let's be thankful Jews aren't being blamed for the crumbling economy.

    Let's be thankful Jews aren't being blamed for the crumbling economy

  •  

    I can't wait to go home for Thanksgiving now that my relatives' political opinions have been rendered irrelevant.

    I can't wait to go home for Thanksgiving now that my relatives' political opinions have been rendered irrelevant

  •  

    I'm torn between the lack of mental anguish at your parents' Thanksgiving dinner and the far superior turkey at mine.

    I'm torn between the lack of mental anguish at your parents' Thanksgiving dinner and the far superior turkey at mine

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    Sorry your child is playing a tree in the Thanksgiving play.

    Sorry your child is playing a tree in the Thanksgiving play

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    I'm thankful that no one has forced me to completely assimilate to their culture and then celebrated by stealing my land and killing my people.

    I'm thankful that no one has forced me to completely assimilate to their culture and then celebrated by stealing my land and killing my people.

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    Now that I've lost my job, I imagine carving the turkey will be the only time this year I'll feel like a man.

    Now that I've lost my job, I imagine carving the turkey will be the only time this year I'll feel like a man

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    In advance of our annual awkward Thanksgiving conversation, thought I'd let you know up front that yes, I'm still single, and no, I still havent gotten a real job.

    In advance of our annual awkward Thanksgiving conversation, thought I'd let you know up front that yes, I'm still single, and no, I still havent gotten a real job

  •  

    I'm thankful for a holiday that doesn't require atonement or starvation.

    I'm thankful for a holiday that doesn't require atonement or starvation

  •  

    The rancor and pettiness of this election campaign has better prepared me to go home for Thanksgiving.

    The rancor and pettiness of this election campaign has better prepared me to go home for Thanksgiving

  •  

    Thanksgiving is a wonderful time to say goodbye to near-dead relatives.

    Thanksgiving is a wonderful time to say goodbye to near-dead relatives

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    Thanksgiving is the perfect mix of cultural harmony and incoherently racist grandparents.

    Thanksgiving is the perfect mix of cultural harmony and incoherently racist grandparents

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    I can't wait to catch up with you during halftime.

    I can't wait to catch up with you during halftime

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    Thanksgiving dinner is my favorite meal of the year to regurgitate.

    Thanksgiving dinner is my favorite meal of the year to regurgitate

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