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    If I'm going to have my hands in a body cavity this Thanksgiving, I'd rather it be yours.

    If I'm going to have my hands in a body cavity this Thanksgiving, I'd rather it be yours.

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    Jonathan Martin wouldn't last five minutes at my family's Thanksgiving dinner.

    Jonathan Martin wouldn't last five minutes at my family's Thanksgiving dinner.

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    One reason I live with my parents is to beat Thanksgiving traffic.

    One reason I live with my parents is to beat Thanksgiving traffic

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    If you haven't been invited to an awful family Thanksgiving get-together of your own you can come to mine.

    If you haven't been invited to an awful family Thanksgiving get-together of your own you can come to mine.

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    If you don't have an excuse prepared you're welcome to join our family for Thanksgiving.

    If you don't have an excuse prepared you're welcome to join our family for Thanksgiving.

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    Sorry shoppers on Black Friday will block and tackle better than your football team on Thanksgiving.

    Sorry shoppers on Black Friday will block and tackle better than your football team on Thanksgiving.

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    I can't wait to nap through 85% of my visit home.

    I can't wait to nap through 85% of my visit home

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    May your Thanksgiving travels be miserable enough to make spending time with family seem comparatively tolerable.

    May your Thanksgiving travels be miserable enough to make spending time with family seem comparatively tolerable

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    Let's eat enough to feed a third-world family for a month.

    Let's eat enough to feed a third-world family for a month

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    May your peacemaking efforts at Thanksgiving dinner have a better chance than those in the Middle East.

    May your peacemaking efforts at Thanksgiving dinner have a better chance than those in the Middle East.

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    Obamacare has done a remarkable job at providing my racist relatives with their best Thanksgiving in decades.

    Obamacare has done a remarkable job at providing my racist relatives with their best Thanksgiving in decades.

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    I can't wait for this year's Thanksgiving because I'll finally not be the only child begging for money.

    I can't wait for this year's Thanksgiving because I'll finally not be the only child begging for money

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    I want to take you home for Thanksgiving to meet the people who made me turn out this way.

    I want to take you home for Thanksgiving to meet the people who made me turn out this way.

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    Here's to the tryptophan kicking in before you're able to clog Facebook with pictures of turkey.

    Here's to the tryptophan kicking in before you're able to clog Facebook with pictures of turkey.

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    Thanksgiving is the perfect time to introduce the person you've been dating to the people they'd eventually have to endure.

    Thanksgiving is the perfect time to introduce the person you've been dating to the people they'd eventually have to endure.

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    Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas except you don't get any presents for holding in all your familial rage.

    Thanksgiving is a lot like Christmas except you don't get any presents for holding in all your familial rage

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    The rancor and pettiness of this election campaign has better prepared me to go home for Thanksgiving.

    The rancor and pettiness of this election campaign has better prepared me to go home for Thanksgiving

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    Thanksgiving is an annual tradition of observing how people used to communicate before the Internet.

    Thanksgiving is an annual tradition of observing how people used to communicate before the Internet

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    May your Thanksgiving dinner provide as much to eat as Rob Ford's wife's genitalia.

    May your Thanksgiving dinner provide as much to eat as Rob Ford's wife's genitalia.

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    Let's pray for no giant animal balloon tragedies at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

    Let's pray for no giant animal balloon tragedies at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

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