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    Let's express gratitude for our prosperity while ravaging a beheaded fowl carcass.

    Let's express gratitude for our prosperity while ravaging a beheaded fowl carcass

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    Let's temporarily be grateful for things.

    Let's temporarily be grateful for things.

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    I'd love it if we took unbuttoning our pants after Thanksgiving dinner a step further.

    I'd love it if we took unbuttoning our pants after Thanksgiving dinner a step further.

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    Your Tofurkey has brought shame to this family.

    Your Tofurkey has brought shame to this family

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    May the effects of tryptophan spare you from having to hear conversations about the effects of tryptophan.

    May the effects of tryptophan spare you from having to hear conversations about the effects of tryptophan

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    My belt is already unbuckled.

    My belt is already unbuckled

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    Happy Thanksgiving to someone who's taught me how to not hate holidays.

    Happy Thanksgiving to someone who's taught me how to not hate holidays

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    Thanksgiving is a wonderful time to say goodbye to near-dead relatives.

    Thanksgiving is a wonderful time to say goodbye to near-dead relatives

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    I'm thankful for holidays that don't force me to reflect on being thankful.

    I'm thankful for holidays that don't force me to reflect on being thankful

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    Let's pray for no giant animal balloon tragedies at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

    Let's pray for no giant animal balloon tragedies at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade

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    Jonathan Martin wouldn't last five minutes at my family's Thanksgiving dinner.

    Jonathan Martin wouldn't last five minutes at my family's Thanksgiving dinner.

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    Let's be thankful Jews aren't being blamed for the crumbling economy.

    Let's be thankful Jews aren't being blamed for the crumbling economy

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    If you haven't been invited to an awful family Thanksgiving get-together of your own you can come to mine.

    If you haven't been invited to an awful family Thanksgiving get-together of your own you can come to mine.

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    Thanksgiving makes me grateful Thanksgiving is almost over.

    Thanksgiving makes me grateful Thanksgiving is almost over.

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    If you don't have an excuse prepared you're welcome to join our family for Thanksgiving.

    If you don't have an excuse prepared you're welcome to join our family for Thanksgiving.

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    Let's get together before Thanksgiving so I can enjoy the slimmer and saner version of you.

    Let's get together before Thanksgiving so I can enjoy the slimmer and saner version of you

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    I can't wait to nap through 85% of my visit home.

    I can't wait to nap through 85% of my visit home

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    Sorry this Thanksgiving you could really use those canned goods you donated last Thanksgiving.

    Sorry this Thanksgiving you could really use those canned goods you donated last Thanksgiving

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    Let's eat enough to feed a third-world family for a month.

    Let's eat enough to feed a third-world family for a month

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    Your side of the family has always been slightly less psychotic.

    Your side of the family has always been slightly less psychotic

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