Like a spouse who holds up your pants.
There's a reason you're in such horrible shape. It's not genetics, or laziness, or a lack of understanding of the cumulative effects of too much pizza and too little exercise.
It's that you don't yet have a Belty.
The Belty is a motorized smart belt that sends you a message when you're getting wider around the middle. As my coworker wisely points out, regular belts can also tell you this. But the Belty sends you a literal message, to your smartphone, and since it syncs to your smartphone it is better than your regular belt. Your regular belt is the rotary phone of waist accessories.
Among its many helpful features, the Belty expands when you sit down to make more space for your girth and tightens when you stand up, so your pants don't fall down. It vibrates when you've been sitting for too long to encourage you to stand up, and also because it knows it makes you laugh when your belly fat jiggles. The connected app on your smartphone lets you know if your waist is getting bigger or smaller over time.
The Belty made its debut at the International Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas this week. Though it's still in the prototype phase, it seems only a matter of time before your friends all have a Fitbit to monitor their steps, a Belty to monitor their waistlines, a Neckiciser to keep their necks svelte, and a CankleDestroyer to continuously let them know their ankles look bad (nothing you can do about that one).