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    Just wanted to let you know that I love you even though you aren't naked right now.

    Just wanted to let you know that I love you even though you aren't naked right now.

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    I can't stop obsessing over how much you're probably thinking about me.

    I can't stop obsessing over how much you're probably thinking about me.

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    I miss you like an old man's urine stream misses the toilet.

    I miss you like an old man's urine stream misses the toilet.

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    Without you I'm as blue as Walter White's meth.

    Without you I'm as blue as Walter White's meth.

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    It feels like a fisting kind of evening.

    It feels like a fisting kind of evening

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    You never pee on me anymore.

    You never pee on me anymore

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    A douche bag of your magnitude could cleanse a whale's vagina.

    A douche bag of your magnitude could cleanse a whale's vagina.

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    I love you even more than Mel Gibson hates your people.

    I love you even more than Mel Gibson hates your people.

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    With you as my wife, there is nothing I can't do, except fuck other women.

    With you as my wife, there is nothing I can't do, except fuck other women.

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    I'm happy we're at a point in our relationship where you have told me about all the things I had already read about you on the internet.

    I'm happy we're at a point in our relationship where you have told me about all the things I had already read about you on the internet.

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    You remind me of an ugly version of Steve Buscemi.

    You remind me of an ugly version of Steve Buscemi.

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    I know you enjoy doggy-style the best because you can't stand to see someone else having a good time.

    I know you enjoy doggy-style the best because you can't stand to see someone else having a good time.

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    You have no idea how many inconvenient boners you have caused.

    You have no idea how many inconvenient boners you have caused.

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    The fact that you failed to spell check your online dating profile gives me serious doubts about your attention to detail in bed.

    The fact that you failed to spell check your online dating profile gives me serious doubts about your attention to detail in bed.

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    Kudos for breaking the stereotype about terrible Asian drivers by not being Asian.

    Kudos for breaking the stereotype about terrible Asian drivers by not being Asian.

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    I don't know what I would do without you, but I bet it's awesome.

    I don't know what I would do without you, but I bet it's awesome.

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    My vibrator and I are looking for a third.

    My vibrator and I are looking for a third.

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    The best thing about you is me.

    The best thing about you is me.

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    I'm willing to do whatever is convenient to keep this relationship afloat.

    I'm willing to do whatever is convenient to keep this relationship afloat.

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    I want to know less about you.

    I want to know less about you.

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