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Just wanted to let you know that I love you even though you aren't naked right now.

I just want you to know that Amish you.

I love to watch you sleep before I wake you up and nail you

I can't think of anyone I'd rather be in a dysfunctional relationship with

I miss you like an old man's urine stream misses the toilet.

I've almost figured out our relationship

FYI, I'm building a shrine to your cock

Just curious what you're doing and wearing right now

I love every part of you which can make me orgasm.

When we're together I'd rather you stared at my boobs than your phone.

I don't mind if you get me sick

You have no idea how many inconvenient boners you have caused.

You've officially earned access to every orifice

I could watch TV with you forever

Nothing Steve Jobs ever creates could fully replace you in my life

Being around you makes me want to briefly stop compulsively checking all forms of digital communication

Even when we're 80 I will do you from behind

I really can't say enough good things about your blow jobs

Congratulations on not getting me pregnant

If we were snow monkeys, I'd pick dead skin and insects off your fur even if I wasn't looking to mate

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