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    I hope the fingerprint sensor on your new iPhone will keep people from stealing your valuable brunch photos.

    I hope the fingerprint sensor on your new iPhone will keep people from stealing your valuable brunch photos.

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    Now would be the perfect time to find out where you stand on the abortion issue.

    Now would be the perfect time to find out where you stand on the abortion issue

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    If we ever participate in an orgy, I want to make love to you first.

    If we ever participate in an orgy, I want to make love to you first

  •  

    I feel like I could listen to you forever in 140-character-or-less increments.

    I feel like I could listen to you forever in 140-character-or-less increments

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    May you never realize there aren't enough hours in the day for everything I say I'm busy doing to avoid you.

    May you never realize there aren't enough hours in the day for everything I say I'm busy doing to avoid you.

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    Nothing Steve Jobs ever creates could fully replace you in my life.

    Nothing Steve Jobs ever creates could fully replace you in my life

  •  

    Seeing you sob turned me on.

    Seeing you sob turned me on

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    The fact that I follow you on Twitter but you don't follow me is further proof you're not willing to put any effort into this relationship.

    The fact that I follow you on Twitter but you don't follow me is further proof you're not willing to put any effort into this relationship

  •  

    I'm so glad the vacation didn't demolish our relationship.

    I'm so glad the vacation didn't demolish our relationship

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    Just wanted you to know how much creepily staring at your Facebook profile all day means to me.

    Just wanted you to know how much creepily staring at your Facebook profile all day means to me.

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    I wish we kept in touch as regularly as A-Rod and his steroids dealer.

    I wish we kept in touch as regularly as A-Rod and his steroids dealer.

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    We should move in together according to my accountant.

    We should move in together according to my accountant

  •  

    You never pee on me anymore.

    You never pee on me anymore

  •  

    Just curious what you're doing and wearing right now.

    Just curious what you're doing and wearing right now

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    I've grown to accept the ridiculous choices you make.

    I've grown to accept the ridiculous choices you make

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    You make me happy enough to foolishly consider decreasing the dosage of my medication.

    You make me happy enough to foolishly consider decreasing the dosage of my medication

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    I'd endure multiple subway transfers to be with you.

    I'd endure multiple subway transfers to be with you

  •  

    I'd punch anyone who shoves a pie in your face during a Parliamentary hearing even if you deserve it.

    I'd punch anyone who shoves a pie in your face during a Parliamentary hearing even if you deserve it

  •  

    I love how your emails generally look and sound like the English language.

    I love how your emails generally look and sound like the English language.

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    I like you even more than you like seemingly random crap on Facebook.

    I like you even more than you like seemingly random crap on Facebook

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