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    I'd endure multiple subway transfers to be with you.

    I'd endure multiple subway transfers to be with you

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    I'm so excited we're going to be parents at a much later date.

    I'm so excited we're going to be parents at a much later date

  •  

    I hope the fingerprint sensor on your new iPhone will keep people from stealing your valuable brunch photos.

    I hope the fingerprint sensor on your new iPhone will keep people from stealing your valuable brunch photos.

  •  

    I would have paid for the abortion.

    I would have paid for the abortion

  •  

    I wish you'd never told me you were in a fraternity.

    I wish you'd never told me you were in a fraternity

  •  

    Let's take this relationship back online.

    Let's take this relationship back online

  •  

    I will love you no matter how much you menstruate.

    I will love you no matter how much you menstruate

  •  

    I love that you're always up for doing nothing.

    I love that you're always up for doing nothing.

  •  

    Being around you makes me want to briefly stop compulsively checking all forms of digital communication.

    Being around you makes me want to briefly stop compulsively checking all forms of digital communication

  •  

    I'm glad you found someone lamer than me to date.

    I'm glad you found someone lamer than me to date

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    May you never realize there aren't enough hours in the day for everything I say I'm busy doing to avoid you.

    May you never realize there aren't enough hours in the day for everything I say I'm busy doing to avoid you.

  •  

    The Pope joining Twitter should provide a nice balance to your 140-character scrawls of unholiness.

    The Pope joining Twitter should provide a nice balance to your 140-character scrawls of unholiness.

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    Sometimes I get sad about how uncool you've become.

    Sometimes I get sad about how uncool you've become

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    I promise to always tell you the truth about whether or not you look fat if you promise not to get fat.

    I promise to always tell you the truth about whether or not you look fat if you promise not to get fat

  •  

    I'm glad I no longer feel out of your league.

    I'm glad I no longer feel out of your league

  •  

    It doesn't need to be your birthday for me to put something pointless on your Facebook Timeline.

    It doesn't need to be your birthday for me to put something pointless on your Facebook Timeline.

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    I'm so glad the vacation didn't demolish our relationship.

    I'm so glad the vacation didn't demolish our relationship

  •  

    I worry that someday you might choose breast reduction surgery.

    I worry that someday you might choose breast reduction surgery

  •  

    No one makes me less unhappy than you.

    No one makes me less unhappy than you.

  •  

    Thanks for honoring my desire to ejaculate on your bosom.

    Thanks for honoring my desire to ejaculate on your bosom

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