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I'd ejaculate into a cup for you

I can't think of anyone I'd rather be in a dysfunctional relationship with

I like you even more than you like seemingly random crap on Facebook

Special Messages: You and me make sense (Max Silvestri)

Special Messages: I go to the woods (Max Silvestri)

I love you like L.A. loves to riot

Nothing Steve Jobs ever creates could fully replace you in my life

You make me happy enough to foolishly consider decreasing the dosage of my medication

I'm gravely concerned about how well our relationship is going

I can't believe I'm still completely attracted to you after all these weeks

I'd endure a yoga class for you

Being around you makes me want to briefly stop compulsively checking all forms of digital communication

Now that we've slept together, prepare yourself for the gentlemanly, obligatory next-day phone call

Thanks for never suggesting we just be friends

I respect your need to take things slow and am willing to wait however long it takes to hurt you

I'd never even consider scalping tickets to your memorial service for under $25,000

There's no limit to how many frequent flier miles I'd try using to visit you

The fact that I follow you on Twitter but you don't follow me is further proof you're not willing to put any effort into this relationship

I feel like I could listen to you forever in 140-character-or-less increments

You're one of the few people I would consider hugging directly after a Bikram Yoga class

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