•  

    I've been planning to get you into bed from the moment I couldn't log on to my usual porn site.

    I've been planning to get you into bed from the moment I couldn't log on to my usual porn site.

  •  

    I'm going to be so mad at you once my mood elevators wear off.

    I'm going to be so mad at you once my mood elevators wear off.

  •  

    May your day be filled with consensual sexts.

    May your day be filled with consensual sexts.

  •  

    I'm offended by how easily you're offended.

    I'm offended by how easily you're offended.

  •  

    You're always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.

    You're always ahead of schedule when it comes to disappointing me.

  •  

    If you have a problem with me talking behind your back then you should just say it to my face.

    If you have a problem with me talking behind your back then you should just say it to my face.

  •  

    When I'm with you, time flies like Don Draper on speed.

    When I'm with you, time flies like Don Draper on speed.

  •  

    I knew you were the one when you kindly faked an orgasm as I prematurely ejaculated.

    I knew you were the one when you kindly faked an orgasm as I prematurely ejaculated.

  •  

    Sorry your online passwords are stronger than you'll ever be.

    Sorry your online passwords are stronger than you'll ever be.

  •  

    You mean the third world to me.

    You mean the third world to me.

  •  

    You are my sunshine in that you may have damaged me in ways I won't know about for years to come.

    You are my sunshine in that you may have damaged me in ways I won't know about for years to come.

  •  

    Sorry I awkwardly mistook our regular tension for sexual tension.

    Sorry I awkwardly mistook our regular tension for sexual tension.

  •  

    Just wanted you to know that I've planned something spontaneous for later.

    Just wanted you to know that I've planned something spontaneous for later.

  •  

    Sex with you has given me PTSD.

    Sex with you has given me PTSD.

  •  

    My intense desire to unfriend you is outweighed by the enjoyment I feel gawking at the huge trainwreck that is your life.

    My intense desire to unfriend you is outweighed by the enjoyment I feel gawking at the huge trainwreck that is your life.

  •  

    I love how your emails generally look and sound like the English language.

    I love how your emails generally look and sound like the English language.

  •  

    Just wanted you to know how much creepily staring at your Facebook profile all day means to me.

    Just wanted you to know how much creepily staring at your Facebook profile all day means to me.

  •  

    You don't need to look underneath a bottle cap to know that you are not a winner.

    You don't need to look underneath a bottle cap to know that you are not a winner.

  •  

    Love is not having to hold your farts in anymore.

    Love is not having to hold your farts in anymore.

  •  

    Don't stop believing in yourself just because I have.

    Don't stop believing in yourself just because I have.

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