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    If I'm ever murdered, I hope it's interesting enough to be the inspiration for a Law & Order episode.

    If I'm ever murdered, I hope it's interesting enough to be the inspiration for a Law & Order episode

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    I enjoyed watching Joffrey die as much as Joffrey enjoyed watching people die.

    I enjoyed watching Joffrey die as much as Joffrey enjoyed watching people die.

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    I can't take a vacation because the stress of my DVR filling up would ruin it.

    I can't take a vacation because the stress of my DVR filling up would ruin it.

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    Its ironic that Glee is doing an episode on teen bullying since the reason I bully you is because you watch Glee.

    Its ironic that Glee is doing an episode on teen bullying since the reason I bully you is because you watch Glee.

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    I'm relieved most of the black family on Curb Your Enthusiasm left before Michael Richards arrives.

    I'm relieved most of the black family on Curb Your Enthusiasm left before Michael Richards arrives

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    I'm glad Ashton Kutcher found a job where I know I can avoid seeing him.

    I'm glad Ashton Kutcher found a job where I know I can avoid seeing him

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    Congratulations on only having to rewind your DVR four times to understand the last line of True Detective.

    Congratulations on only having to rewind your DVR four times to understand the last line of True Detective.

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    Let's celebrate Shark Week by drinking like fish and making people run away from us.

    Let's celebrate Shark Week by drinking like fish and making people run away from us.

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    You should win an Emmy for the amount of times you've told people you don't own a TV.

    You should win an Emmy for the amount of times you've told people you don't own a TV.

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    Here's to The Office ending on TV and living forever on screens used to kill time on airplanes.

    Here's to The Office ending on TV and living forever on screens used to kill time on airplanes.

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    I'm not going to rehab until Don Draper does.

    I'm not going to rehab until Don Draper does

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    Shark Week has reminded me that we really need to discuss your oral sex technique.

    Shark Week has reminded me that we really need to discuss your oral sex technique.

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    Sorry your upcoming vacation destination was featured on Shark Week.

    Sorry your upcoming vacation destination was featured on Shark Week

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    I can't wait for the ending of you telling me to watch Lost.

    I can't wait for the ending of you telling me to watch Lost

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    Sorry the cast of Jersey Shore went to Italy and you can't even afford to go to the Jersey Shore.

    Sorry the cast of Jersey Shore went to Italy and you can't even afford to go to the Jersey Shore

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    My funniest Tonight Show memory of the last 17 years is Conan's resignation letter.

    My funniest Tonight Show memory of the last 17 years is Conan's resignation letter

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    May your inevitable workplace meltdown from decades of untreated alcoholism be less career-damaging than Don Draper's.

    May your inevitable workplace meltdown from decades of untreated alcoholism be less career-damaging than Don Draper's.

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    I promise to never treat you like NBC does its late-night hosts.

    I promise to never treat you like NBC does its late-night hosts

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    I support the health care bill's 10% tanning bed tax as long as I'm not the one who has to tell the cast of Jersey Shore.

    I support the health care bill's 10% tanning bed tax as long as I'm not the one who has to tell the cast of Jersey Shore

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    I don't want to live in a world where Law & Order can be cancelled but Two and a Half Men can't.

    I don't want to live in a world where Law & Order can be cancelled but Two and a Half Men can't

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