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Just in case you never make it onto Undercover Boss I wanted to let you know that working here sucks shit

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I support the health care bill's 10% tanning bed tax as long as I'm not the one who has to tell the cast of Jersey Shore

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Sorry I used my calmly assertive Dog Whisperer voice in bed

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My funniest Tonight Show memory of the last 17 years is Conan's resignation letter

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I promise to never treat you like NBC does its late-night hosts

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Sorry your severance package was $30 million less than Conan's

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I think Alec Baldwin's brilliance on 30 Rock more than makes up for calling his 11-year-old daughter a "thoughtless little pig"

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I hope you become a big enough star to someday become a big enough has-been to be on Dancing With The Stars

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My screw-ups pale in comparison to the HBO execs who passed on Mad Men and greenlit John From Cincinnati

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Weeds has shown me that major drug deals don't have to be such an unpleasant experience

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You simply cannot fathom how far I'll go to make you unaware I'll be watching the new 90210

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I'd be impressed if Frank Caliendo could do an impression of someone who isn't mortified by the inexplicable overexposure of Frank Caliendo

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Let's try to put at least as much thought into voting for the next U.S. president as we do into voting for the next American Idol

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Please stop saying "This is just like The Office" around the office

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If I'm ever murdered, I hope it's interesting enough to be the inspiration for a Law & Order episode

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I'll be spending Sunday nights watching Mad Men and Monday mornings irrationally accusing you of having an affair

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I'm concerned with how far the narrative arc of Californication has strayed from Mia's tits

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I'm more invested in the Meerkat Manor family dynamics than my own

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Without The Wire, I'm forced to rely on local news for my fix of appalling urban violence and corruption

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I'm shocked by how many young people get their news from The Daily Show and proud to say I get mine from The View

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