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    Don Draper is even better than you are at pretending to have a real job.

    Don Draper is even better than you are at pretending to have a real job.

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    If I'm ever murdered, I hope it's interesting enough to be the inspiration for a Law & Order episode.

    If I'm ever murdered, I hope it's interesting enough to be the inspiration for a Law & Order episode

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    I enjoyed watching Joffrey die as much as Joffrey enjoyed watching people die.

    I enjoyed watching Joffrey die as much as Joffrey enjoyed watching people die.

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    I want to get you as gratuitously naked as a Game of Thrones character.

    I want to get you as gratuitously naked as a Game of Thrones character.

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    I can't take a vacation because the stress of my DVR filling up would ruin it.

    I can't take a vacation because the stress of my DVR filling up would ruin it.

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    Its ironic that Glee is doing an episode on teen bullying since the reason I bully you is because you watch Glee.

    Its ironic that Glee is doing an episode on teen bullying since the reason I bully you is because you watch Glee.

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    You and your friends remind me of a funnier and much less exciting version of the guys from Entourage.

    You and your friends remind me of a funnier and much less exciting version of the guys from Entourage

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    I'm glad Ashton Kutcher found a job where I know I can avoid seeing him.

    I'm glad Ashton Kutcher found a job where I know I can avoid seeing him

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    Congratulations to Conan on not getting replaced by the guy he replaced.

    Congratulations to Conan on not getting replaced by the guy he replaced

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    Let's celebrate Shark Week by drinking like fish and making people run away from us.

    Let's celebrate Shark Week by drinking like fish and making people run away from us.

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    I want to be Tina Fey's second.

    I want to be Tina Fey's second

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    Here's to The Office ending on TV and living forever on screens used to kill time on airplanes.

    Here's to The Office ending on TV and living forever on screens used to kill time on airplanes.

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    Your enthusiasm for Shark Week scares me more than sharks.

    Your enthusiasm for Shark Week scares me more than sharks.

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    Shark Week has reminded me that we really need to discuss your oral sex technique.

    Shark Week has reminded me that we really need to discuss your oral sex technique.

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    The awkward twenty-something sex on Girls reminds me of the awkward thirty-something sex I'm still having.

    The awkward twenty-something sex on Girls reminds me of the awkward thirty-something sex I'm still having.

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    I can't wait for the ending of you telling me to watch Lost.

    I can't wait for the ending of you telling me to watch Lost

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    Without True Detective you may have to solve the mystery of why your life is so boring.

    Without True Detective you may have to solve the mystery of why your life is so boring.

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    My funniest Tonight Show memory of the last 17 years is Conan's resignation letter.

    My funniest Tonight Show memory of the last 17 years is Conan's resignation letter

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    Game of Thrones makes me happy I'm not that close with my family.

    Game of Thrones makes me happy I'm not that close with my family.

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    I promise to never treat you like NBC does its late-night hosts.

    I promise to never treat you like NBC does its late-night hosts

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