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congratulations
Congratulations on having just enough Facebook friends to appear popular, but not needy
Congratulations on losing the weight we were all pretending you didn't need to lose
Congratulations on not making enough money to be considered for layoffs
Congratulations on temporarily finding the love of your life
Congratulations on being justified in your paranoia about being laid off
Congratulations on narrowly averting death while ogling a female pedestrian
Congratulations on running a marathon without having to stop for a heart attack
Congratulations on having the same great idea as someone who successfully executed it
Congratulations on your 3% raise
Congratulations on the anniversary of your horrific alcoholic bottom
Congratulations on officially deciding you're not bi
Congratulations on avoiding jury duty via shameless faux bigotry or insanity
Congratulations on not getting disbarred
Congratulations on driving sober
Congratulations on passing the bar exam in under five tries
Congratulations on still having most of your hair
Congratulations on maintaining your freshman fifteen
Congratulations on selling your screenplay and soul
Congratulations on having an appropriately aged girlfriend
Congratulations on taking your old job back
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