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somewhat topical

In my experience, women prefer black men over POWs
I'd love to contact you with my new iPhone but it pretty much makes the need for relationships obsolete
Congratulations on getting or shrewdly deciding not to get the new iPhone
Sorry the housing downturn is forcing you to move to a neighborhood we used to mock
Sorry you could really use that money you donated to Hillary
Please don't take this the wrong way but you could really help Obama by telling everyone you're for McCain
Current gas prices preclude my driving to see you unless there's at least a 65% chance of sex
If McCain wins, I'm leaving the country to remind myself I can't function outside the U.S.
At this point in the election, I'm leaning towards masturbating to Obama's celebrity endorsers over McCain's
It's time to move beyond claims of sexism and get this election focused on claims of racism and ageism
I hope you'll tell me if I ever overstay my welcome in a presidential race, but not so much in your summer house
I admire Hillary's unflinching determination to blot out the horror of her personal and professional life
Pretending to understand superdelegates could be the key to getting laid this summer
I support the court's decision that a double-leg amputee doesn't have an unfair advantage in Olympic sprinting
Due to the troubled economy, I need the money I lent you and mistakenly said not to worry about
Sorry I said something so gay it could potentially make us legally married in California
Living a godless existence ensures no terrifyingly batshit religious figure impacts my election decision
The Wesley Snipes case showed me that even a written letter from Woody Harrelson can't reduce a tax evader's jail time
I was going to vote for Obama until I found out he's half-white
I justify paying absurd rent by not having to pay absurd gas prices
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