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1

Watching a gorgeous vampire and buff werewolf battle for a girl's love is the perfect distraction from my inability to meet a semi-datable human
2

Let's pretend there's nothing alarming about a tween fantasy movie causing cougars to fantasize about statutory rape
3

Someday I'd like to have a #1 bestseller for failing to become vice-president, quitting as governor, and not aborting a child
4

May you live twice as long as Michael Jackson and be half as creepy
5

I wonder if Twilight's abstinence message will suppress my herculean urge to screw Robert Pattinson

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