Taping your balls between your legs does not count as a Halloween costume.
This has been great, but I think I'll go back to doing whatever I want all the time.
Thanks for letting me use your property to destroy myself with alcohol.
I was going to do something today but I haven't finished doing nothing from yesterday.
Sorry I fake laughed at your joke.
You're lucky that I find you attractive enough to ignore your misspellings and grammar mistakes.
Babysitting your child is all the birth control I need.
Just because something comes in your size doesn't mean you've got any business wearing it.
Thanks for making me almost orgasm.
Thanks for fighting in the war so I could get a great sale at Macy's.
I'd like to think of it more as a sobriety problem.
Thank you for finally dating someone that no longer wears puka shells.
I would pay to be able to track the IP address and computer location of those who one-star my cards.
We've been friends so long I can no longer remember why we're friends at all.
Everything about myself fascinates me.
Your cat and my lawnmower had somewhat of a disagreement.
Sometimes nice girls finish first. Twice.
There seems to be an extraordinary amount of people today who need a good bitch slap.
Along with setting you clocks back, be sure to change the batteries in your vibrator.
I was going to do something today but I haven't finished doing nothing from yesterday.
Introducing the soon-to-be graduate and world's coolest history teacher: Mr. Harris! *Applause*
There seems to be an extraordinary amount of people today who need a good bitch slap.
I would pay to be able to track the IP address and computer location of those who one-star my cards.
It seems as though that instead of attending your formal party, I will just be really well dressed while watching internet porn.
You are perfect for the lead role in my new film, "The Crackhead"
And now for one of my all time favorites, bibbity, bobbity boo, from The Sound of Music.