I'd love for us to hang out and catch up once I'm absolutely sure I'm doing better than you.
We are really going to miss trying to avoid you around here.
I just want you to know that Amish you.
The secret to a successful marriage is to let other people do it.
I am concerned about the amount of cat hair on my vibrator.
You are my rock, and by rock I mean the one tied to my leg pulling me to the bottom of the ocean.
I decided to hide you from my news feed rather than defriending you. You're welcome.
I'm sorry your mail-order bride returned the Green Card and swam back to Kazakhstan.
Gray hair makes you look distinguished. It distinguishes you from younger people.
Thanks for ignoring my phone call then updating your Facebook status two minutes later.
Flattery will only get you laid several times.
The world is such a stressful place I am often jealous of small animals and retarded children.
I can't stop thinking about not wanting to think about you.
Big shout out to all my fellow pussy owners on International Women's Day.
Just making sure we both agree that this is just an obligatory pre-sex date.
I'm sick of ALL the Irish sterotypes. As soon as I finish this drink, I'm punching someone.
It's a shame your birthday falls in March, because I gave up giving birthday presents for lent.
It is my understanding that Women's Day is already celebrated every 28 days.
I'm thinking of quitting coffee forhealth reasons. Can anyone recommend a nice breakfast wine?
Congratulations Corey Haim to being 48 hours sober!!
