Life is just a phase you're going through...you'll get over it.
The Big 3-0. It's a perfect age. You can date college girls AND their mothers.
Relationships are like fat people: Most of them don't work out.
Is your daddy a farmer? Because you really know how to raise a cock.
Erections like these don't grow on trees you know.
The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.
Sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of how AWESOME I am.
One day, if we are lucky, our team will be as good as the Green Bay Packers.
"Hank, get out the blacklight, this stuff is everywhere!"
I get excited when my pin gets repinned over and over. It makes me feel used and dirty.
If pinning was your sex life, you'd be a whore. Pin Whore.
"Who put mutton in my coat pockets!?"
Pinterest lets me sit on my ass all day and feel crafty.
"How about we go to my place and I will mix you up some baby batter?"
Happy Birthday Jesus. Sorry your party's so lame.
I am never putting peanut butter there again.
