Our relationship can't survive your poor grammar.
May Mother Nature be the only one trying to kill you on your birthday.
I'm sorry being the Son of God was considered a pre-existing condition.
I'd appreciate if you'd wait until I have health insurance to stab me 23 times.
I'm one fish sandwich away from my ticket to heaven.
Thanks for believing me the first time I told you I don't have a penis.
It's unlikely I have any business participating in this year's trends.
I don't need more than 160 characters to express my sympathy for your loss.
I will love you until the law asks me to stop.
I'm sorry your outburst at Thanksgiving secured you a seat at the kids' table on Christmas.
I'm willing to commit anything short of a gross misdemeanor for a chance to sleep with you.
You make it difficult to maintain my "never murdered anyone" streak.
When I said you can't buy my love, I meant it's not possible with your salary.
Your body says, "Fuck me," but your personality says, "Hate fuck me."
There's nothing creepy about the considerable amount of time you spend thinking about me.
It would take nothing short of the Apocalypse for me to consider having more than two children.
If it's any consolation, you didn't let me down because I didn't believe in you in the first place.
I'm sorry I crossed the fine line between dirty talk and verbal abuse.
