I could have gotten you a beautiful present instead of this ecard, but you deserve only the best.
I'd be anorexic if I only had the willpower to starve myself.
Sorry I can't make it to your party. I have to stay home that night and kill myself.
Your birthday is a sobering reminder that you were born.
Rest assured, what's left of my shriveled black heart still beats for you.
I love meeting your friends and judging them.
This Mother's Day, remember that your mother gave you life, and that's a debt she can never repay.
Who needs sleep when you have food and your own debilitating lack of self-worth?
Who has time to be social? I can barely fit in all my fucking off as it is.
I will do my part in alerting you to Sexual Assault Awareness Month by sexually assaulting you.
I made sure to get up early today to get in a few extra hours of wasting my life.
I don't want to wear your skin, I just want to have it with me at all times.
I don't mean to brag, but I've been doing a lot of binge eating.
If you love disappointment, you'll love dating me!
I really enjoyed our marathon lovemaking/trying not to fart session last night.
I didn't forget your birthday, I just have no fucking clue what day or month it is.
It may be true that I hate you, but at least I also pity you.
