I'm worried for your unborn child.
I truly wish the worst for your future.
I'm sorry your loved one died. I would have much rather it had been you.
I'm so lonely I'd talk to anyone...except you.
You're so good looking I'd fuck you in a dirty restroom, even if that meant contracting tetanus.
Thanks for giving me an excuse to get shitfaced.
I like complaining about being single more than actually being in relationships.
Thanks for erasing all of my TiVo'd shows.
I hope you die soon so that I can collect life insurance.
You're the only person I don't have to pretend to like.
I hope I never have to see you again.
I hope you have as shitty a life as I do.
Thanks for giving me someone to gossip about.
May your marriage be filled with everything mine lacks.
By "come over and watch the Super Bowl" I actually mean "come over and have amazing sex".
If I had to choose between you and the internet I'd probably choose you.
I don't need karma to be a bitch. I'm a big enough one for the both of us.
Here's to no sex till death do us part.
Get well soon so we can fuck again.
I'd love if we could have sex somewhere other than my dreams.
