Thanks for making the series of bad decisions that led to unprotected sex, and ultimately, my birth.
Today, it's okay to be a tree-hugging, greener-than-thou douche bag.
Thanks for having sex with me despite your initial misgivings.
I'm saving myself for marriage or someone more attractive.
Let's not do anything the more attractive of the two of us will regret.
I take pride in the fact that my asshole serves only one purpose.
I'll be watching you very closely this month to see if you seem more proud than usual.
Your frequent, attention-seeking status updates are pushing down mine.
You're the most important thing in my life that doesn't vibrate.
May your regrettable behavior this weekend occur primarily off-camera.
It's time to find out if our genitalia are compatible.
And to think, this all started with me masturbating to the thought of you.
I barely lowered my standards for you.
At any given time, it's safe to assume I'm having inappropriate thoughts about you.
I'm not sure what to buy for someone from your generation.
Let's drink till we're attracted to each other.
I tend to fantasize about Rob Pattinson when we're having sex and when we're not having sex.
We'll always be together while you're still hot.
