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Lent
This year, I'm giving up on my self for Lent.
FEBRUARY 22ND, 2012
5.00 (2 votes)
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Mardi Gras
Happy Fat Tuesday to someone who was already fat on Monday.
FEBRUARY 21ST, 2012
4.52 (23 votes)
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Birthday
Today we celebrate that your mom made the last minute decision not to flush you down the toilet with the afterbirth.
JANUARY 14TH, 2011
3.67 (3 votes)
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Sports
Congrats to a fan of a semi-shitty SEC team who somehow feels you share the national title with Auburn because you share a conference.
JANUARY 11TH, 2011
2.33 (3 votes)
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Baby
Wishing you a lifetime of happiness with your new bundle of joy because I returned the baby sling I bought you and sent this card instead.
MARCH 24TH, 2010
4.00 (2 votes)
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St. Patrick's Day
St. Patrick is just like St. Nicholas, except he brings hangovers and herpes instead of stocking stuffers and presents.
MARCH 13TH, 2010
3.86 (22 votes)
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Weekend
My Plan A includes needing a prescription for Plan B tomorrow.
FEBRUARY 23RD, 2010
4.00 (6 votes)
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Workplace
Once you go MAC you'll never go back.
FEBRUARY 23RD, 2010
3.00 (4 votes)
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Valentine's Day
They won't be able to fit what I'm about to do to you on a conversation heart.
FEBRUARY 2ND, 2010
4.50 (82 votes)
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Workplace
All employees must use the Sniff Test before returning to work.
JANUARY 22ND, 2010
2.33 (3 votes)
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Birthday
Sorry I couldn't afford to buy you a custom fit Flesh Light for your birthday.
JANUARY 14TH, 2010
5.00 (3 votes)
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Halloween
Let's go to White Castle with the money we collected trick-or-treating for Unicef.
OCTOBER 9TH, 2009
4.25 (4 votes)
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Somewhat Topical
Thanks for explaining that Russia hasn't invaded Atlanta.
AUGUST 18TH, 2008
0.00 (0 votes)
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Wedding
Thanks for sending a gift, even though we haven't spoken in three years and you live 800 miles away from where we had the wedding.
AUGUST 18TH, 2008
0.00 (0 votes)
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Birthday
Thanks for pretending you'd know when my birthday was without a Facebook reminder.
AUGUST 18TH, 2008
3.00 (1 votes)
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Christmas Season
Santa doesn't visit poor kids.
AUGUST 18TH, 2008
3.00 (3 votes)
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Seasonal
Let's celebrate Labor Day by mocking all of the blue collar workers who don't have the day off.
AUGUST 18TH, 2008
0.00 (0 votes)