You make me want to write bad poetry.
It's okay to call Dr. Laura the "C" word, because white people say it all the time.
I can't believe you haven't finished the thing I forgot to tell you to start.
I feel like we've grown apart over the last few hours.
I know I am getting old when my friends start having kids on purpose.
I've become soul-crushingly good at cooking for one.
Let's be people that can't stand each other with benefits.
Expect an email in all caps this afternoon.
I don't think you're as committed to this adulterous affair as I am.
Allowing gay marriages isn't nearly the gayest thing about California
My vibrator and I are looking for a third.
I will never view you the same way as the cast of Jersey Shore views the return of Angelina.
You should have been a blowjob.
Someone should install a breathalyzer on Facebook.
Laughter is the best medicine, unless you have cancer.
We'll be best friends forever because you already know too much.
For every photo that you post on Facebook of your kid, I will post one of me having a life.
