Will you stop being perfect so I can get some work done?
I want to play on your buttocks like a child's drum.
I know it's been a while since I've emailed you, but I just got back from North Korea.
You would have given the 13 year-old version of me an almost constant boner.
American Apparel is never made in sweat shops, but clearly there is something bad going on.
Dear AT&T, Please figure your shit out.
I'm so jealous of all the time you must save by never spelling out the word "you."
You have such a good body, I didn't think you were straight.
Thank you for the Editor's Pick from the bottom of the small, dark hole where my heart used to be.
If I were eating shit, I don't think I'd grin.
Okay, fine, so I'm addicted to Ambien.
I can tell from over here that you're British.
The first time I saw your asshole, I knew I wanted to put my African-American dildo inside it.
The first time I saw your vagina, I knew I wanted to put my penis in it.
Oh, look. My blue balls match your eyes.
Happy Birthday. I can't wait to hold your dried-up sagging breasts in my veiny, wrinkled hands.
Look. I'm sorry I borrowed your vibrator.
