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Reminders
If I ever assassinate a politician, I am going to do it with a heavily annotated copy of Twilight in my pocket, and Justin Bieber playing on my iPod.
SEPTEMBER 8TH, 2011
4.50 (2 votes)
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Reminders
Who was the greatet prostitute in history? Ms. Pacman, for 25 cents that bitch swallowed balls till she died.
APRIL 28TH, 2011
2.00 (3 votes)
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TV
The President of the United States doesn't know who Snooki is. Our great empire continues to crumble.
AUGUST 1ST, 2010
5.00 (1 votes)
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Reminders
Don't worry, if you flunk out of Twitter you can go teach at Facebook.
JULY 30TH, 2010
0.00 (0 votes)
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Somewhat Topical
Dear Apple, Sorry to hear that you're still figuring out how cell phones work.
JULY 14TH, 2010
4.20 (5 votes)
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Somewhat Topical
Two things I learned today: there is no such thing as diet NyQuil and pharmacists are preachy bastards.
JUNE 24TH, 2010
5.00 (2 votes)
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Cry for Help
My laziness cancels out my OCD.
JUNE 7TH, 2010
4.69 (13 votes)
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Somewhat Topical
If cats could sing, they would compose tender love ballads for laser pointers.
MAY 26TH, 2010
3.33 (3 votes)
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Reminders
The stages of public banana consumption: 1. Awkward 2. Awkward 3. Awkward.
MAY 25TH, 2010
3.80 (5 votes)
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Reminders
My favorite drug is love. Or ecstasy. Whatever. Just touch me.
MAY 11TH, 2010
4.50 (4 votes)
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Workplace
I consider myself a workaholic, because I drink at work. Anyway, totally drunk.
JANUARY 19TH, 2010
2.00 (2 votes)
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Thinking of You
Hypothetical lemon distribution is no basis for a philosophy.
JANUARY 13TH, 2010
3.00 (7 votes)
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Reminders
Love is going to give you frostbite and eat your kitten.
JANUARY 12TH, 2010
1.40 (5 votes)
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Sympathy
You are so witty when you lose blood.
JANUARY 8TH, 2010
3.00 (2 votes)
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Sports
It's as though these professional football players don't appreciate that I've wagered money on their performances.
JANUARY 4TH, 2010
4.07 (15 votes)
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Christmas Season
I lost the baby Jesus for the miniature nativity scene, so I used a frozen Jimmy Dean sausage instead. Merry Sausagemas.
NOVEMBER 30TH, 2009
3.89 (9 votes)
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Reminders
People forget that 'Back to the Future' was made in 1955 and the filmmakers had to guess about life in the 1980s.
NOVEMBER 9TH, 2009
0.00 (0 votes)
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Confession
I can't tell if this commercial is for the Army or deoderant.
NOVEMBER 9TH, 2009
0.00 (0 votes)
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Somewhat Topical
I wonder how much smaller Glenn Beck would get if someone rubbed him all over with Preparation H.
NOVEMBER 9TH, 2009
4.75 (4 votes)
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Apology
I'm taking the trash out tonight. Does your mom like Chinese?
OCTOBER 30TH, 2009
3.50 (6 votes)
