I thought I was crazy, but then I remembered I just started my period.
I would make better use of my time at work if I had something fun to do.
My book club can drink more than your book club.
I'm a good role model for drunks who aspire to be drunker.
Valentine's Day is an annoying reminder that I'm in a relationship.
I'm uncomfortable with the possibility of you sexting me while you're on the toilet.
Your invitation to Christmas dinner feels like a prison sentence.
...And a bottle of mood stabilizers for my mother.
Before you judge me, drive a mile in my Maserati.
If you were a professional athlete, your jersey number would never be retired.
Since it's difficult to infer tone in an email, you should assume all mine are sarcastic or bitchy.
I'm only 140,000 working hours away from making my first million.
I'm just one great idea away from being a billionaire.
I don't need Facebook's new Timeline to remind me of a lifetime of epic failure.
Your birthday is a sobering reminder I had sex with your father.
My friend wants to know if you'll go out with me.
I've got an appointment to discuss my problems with a bartender.
